What's wrong with this sentence?

"Fluent in four languages, her skills are impeccable."

If you've been following this blog, you know we're dealing here with a misplaced modifier. The sentence says that her skills are fluent in four languages. It's possible that the woman herself is fluent in none. Let's try, "Fluent in four languages, she also has impeccable skills."

Always put modifiers as close as possible to the words they modify. In the original sentence, the pronoun the modifier refers is missing altogether. No wonder the whole thing sounds peculiar.

A new blog

I've added another blog and will continue to focus this one on business English and the like. The new one, http://gretchen-hirsch.blogspot.com will concern itself more with fiction and nonfiction writing and the publication process of my new book. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's all downhill from here

It's about a month until the launch of my new book, Back Again to Me. Because some people are interested in how this is all going to come together, I'll burn some blog posting time. In the next four weeks, I have to rewrite the trailer script, set up the new Web site, have a new headshot taken, do the video interview, figure out the twitter strategy, and start setting up readings here and there. Then I notify every person in every social network to invite their friends to the online party as well. I'm so excited that the launch period (48 hours, or maybe more if it goes well) will be benefiting Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption http://www.davethomasfoundation.org. The book is about adoption, and it seemed like a perfect fit. I've also made the decision that at every reading, a portion of the proceeds will be donated to a specific charity or to the work of the organization itself. In these tough times, that seems to be a reasonable thing to do.

Onward!

Beware that modifier

As we head into a long weekend, it's good just to have fun. My son-in-law shared this interesting radio commercial with me after his most recent trip to CA. I don't have it verbatim, but it asks the fascinating question, "Why is it so hard to find a plumber who will fix your sink over the phone?" My guess is that the plumber would have to come to the sink and bring tools to get the job done. It's hard to accomplish a repair like that over the phone.

Someone wrote that ad, but worse, someone paid for it. Pity.

Weekend buzzwords

It's the weekend, and for those who speak in business buzzwords Monday through Friday, days off can be difficult. No boss or officemates around for you to dazzle with the latest neologism—usually one that's ugly and conveys little. To keep you from suffering the verbal equivalent of the bends, here are some words you can use for weekends. They'll keep those buzzword muscles in shape until you can get back to full-scale training on Monday.

Getting up=Offbedding
Brushing teeth=Posthalitosisizing
Blowing nose=Outsnotting
Eating=Preplumping
Exercising=Upmuscling
Bathing=Disgriming
Washing windows=Streakifying
Cutting grass=Downshearing
Trimming trees=Delimbinating
Running errands=Merchant lapping
Napping=Incouchification

Please share your own. We can build a whole new dictionary of meaningless phrases. Oh, wait, American business has done that already.

Two words to retire

Every now and then, words blast out of the lexicon and elbow their way into every article, blog, or tweet. Within weeks, their welcome is worn out because they're pushing other and perhaps more colorful words to the sidelines. With the speed of communication today, a word can become a cliche in about 48 hours.

My two candidates for the Boy-I'm-Really-Sick-of-These-Words Award are iconic and snarky. Chrysler and GM are iconic corporations that build iconic brands with iconic nameplates. I can live with that, I guess, but now I'm also reading every day about iconic TV shows. Iconic movies. Iconic foods. Iconic style. Even iconic sunglasses and lipstick shades. Not to be iconoclastic, but I bet we can stumble along with other words. Popular, perhaps, or well-known, or even beloved.

When someone recently referred to something I'd written as snarky, I thought it was relatively descriptive. But suddenly I have so much company in Snarkville that I'm thinking of moving out. Anything that's a little snide, a little sarcastic, a little cynical, is now snarky. I like having a choice. Will I be sardonic today? Or caustic? Sassy? Mocking? Maybe derisive or supercilious. But not snarky. Not anymore.

Let's all get out our thesauruses (I love that word; for me it always conjures up a really erudite dinosaur who wears thick glasses) and find some apt replacements for words that have lost their zing.

Getting closer to Back Again to Me

Yesterday, the interior of my seventh book/first novel was sent to me to download and proof. I'm finding some proofing errors, but that's fixable little stuff. The big stuff is that putting out fiction feels so much more self-revelatory than publishing nonfiction. With nonfiction, people may take issue with your facts, your conclusions, even your style, but with fiction, if they hate the book, it feels as if they are taking issue with your very own soul (so far, no one has hated it, but I'm bracing for the day). Although this book isn't autobiographical in any way, it is something that came out of my imagination and my heart--not my research or someone else's research, and somehow sending this book into the world feels a lot more scary. Also a lot more exciting. It won't be long now.

Next steps in my self-publishing saga

I've received the first copies of the cover and interior design from the design team assigned to my book, Back Again to Me, from Booksurge. On the first go-round, they nailed the cover color, the fonts, the headers, the page number placements, fleurons, and chapter design elements. They didn't nail the additional images for the cover, so I told them what I wanted--and again, the result wasn't quite there.

But today, after a little more e-mail back and forth, the images are right. Now I'll have to see how they put them all together, but I think it's going to be a relatively easy process to come to a cover we can all agree on. With most of my other books, I was engaged in cover design only peripherally. This is a different story. I've been involved in every aspect of it. I'm not a designer, but I know what I want, and I find that they're delivering it. I get more excited about this project every day.

The Claritant Award II

Today, I've selected the Claritant Award-winners for national pizza chains. If you've not followed the Claritant Award, it's one I give out for clear, effective Web writing that is free of buzzwords and corporate gobbledygook. Last month, I looked at the insurance industry and gave the award to State Farm.

Insurance has a lot of issues with buzz, which is what made State Farm a standout, but the pizza folks seem to get it. In general, they write about their products with passion and a refreshing lack of corporatespeak. Many of the stories are similar: small-town, one-store starts and then national growth.

But even in this less formal industry, there were instances of Web sites that relied on "win-win," "proactive," and the ubiquitous "legendary service," a phrase that wore out its welcome in the late 1980s.

The winners of this month's Claritant Award are Uno Chicago Grill and Godfather's Pizza. The Uno site is easy to read and has a touch of sophistication I didn't find elsewhere. Godfather's employs a different style of writing--more reliant on its brand, but not too gimmicky about it. Very clear and understandable.

It can be hard to differentiate a business in which many others tout the same attributes--fresh ingredients, tasty crust, fast delivery, online ordering, and community service. These two companies pulled it off with style and simplicity.

To self-publish ... or not

As a book doctor, I have a lot of clients who want to know whether they should self-publish. Five years ago, unless their projects were short-run family memoirs or similar micro-niche projects, I recommended against it.

Today, I've changed my tune. In five years, the world is a different place. Web content rules and social media create markets unimagined a few short years ago. A savvy author can put together an effective, targeted marketing plan that sells lots of books around the world, not just around the neighborhood. Print on demand has alleviated the inventory problem. Unless an author wants a huge supply of his or her own books, there's no longer the issue of a garage or dining room filled to the brim with unsold stock. However, attractive as the self-publishing option is, the would-be author needs to remember to:

• Write the best book you can write. There's not much, if any, editorial direction at print on demand operations. Particular companies may offer an editorial lookover, but it can be very expensive. Therefore, it becomes incumbent on you to check your own book thoroughly for inaccuracies, anachronisms (this is a huge issue in many of the books I'm asked to review), inconsistencies, holes in the plot, and half-baked research that will result in your readers' finding your book less than credible. Beyond the major issues, you must proofread your own material very carefully, looking for errors in diction, spelling, usage, mechanics, and punctuation. Of course, you can have talented friends help you proofread, and sometimes paying a book doctor is a worthwhile expense before you get to the printing stage. Book doctors often can spot major flaws and help you correct them in the early preparation of your manuscript.
• Study other books to see what you want yours to look like. The cover and interior design of a book are critical. I've seen some seriously ugly covers because the author didn't know what direction to give the designers, and I've seen hideous interiors that look as if they came straight from the author's computer. If you're going to self-publish, learn something about the benefits of serif and sans serif types, point size, headers and footers, color, screens--and converse either by phone or e-mail with the person designing your cover. If he or she hasn't read the book, help your designer to understand your purposes in writing it. Good designers know how to incorporate your ideas and concepts into appealing visuals, but even the best designer is clueless if you don't talk. And don't be shy about turning down any idea you really loathe. A client of mine recently was given two cover choices. One was possible, the other was arty, but atrocious. There were so many things wrong with it she hardly knew where to begin. She took the first option as a starting place and worked with her designer until the design was one she could live with comfortably.
• Don't go cheap, but also don't take every service you're offered. Many print on demand companies tell you they do "marketing," but when you look at the package, you see that it consists of postcards, bookmarks, a generic media release, and maybe a couple of posters. Those might be good ideas, but you can do them yourself for less money. Additionally, these ideas work better if you're planning to book yourself into traditional sales venues, such as bookstore readings. They're not so effective for online launches and other innovative types of promotion.
• Understand that if your book flops, you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't talk about how that rotten publisher didn't tour you or that your editor suggested a less-than-talented publicist. You're on your own, so you have to have a marketing plan you execute or hire someone to execute for you. Think of non-traditional ways to sell. Think of appropriate tie-ins. Is it a book about dance? How about seeing if you can place it in dance studios as well as bookstores? Think big. Think creatively.

In a month or two, I'll be releasing my first self-published book, Back Again to Me, after six titles published by traditional houses. I've had a couple of very successful pre-launch readings (people were crying, which was what I was going for when I selected the excerpts I did), and several people asked me why I'd chosen the self-publishing route. I'm doing it because I want to get this book to market, and traditional publishing is too slow. I've been given notes by agents and editors and many of them were diametrically opposed. So I decided to go with my own gut and get the job done. As the process unfolds, I'll keep you apprised. And when the launch happens, I'll let you know.

The right modifier in the right place

If you've followed this blog, you know I love misplaced modifiers. They pop up everywhere, and they're often very funny. However, it's probably best that they not appear on the Web site for a national chain of bookstores. Professionals who are out there in front of millions of potential readers need to write carefully.

Here's the little gem that's the reason for this post. I stumbled across it this morning. I won't tell you what store or what book because I'm not in the business of embarrassing people, but this is what it said:

" ... is a charming debut written by the late [author's name], who finished the novel as her health declined with the help of her niece. " The book in question is, I believe, as charming as the blurb writer says it is, but it it's unfortunate to read that the author's declining health was helped along by her niece.

Of course, we know that's not what the writer meant. Unfortunately, it's what the writer wrote. And I had to stop for a minute to sort it out.

Proofreading is more than getting the commas right. Every writer needs to read his or her own work--and then read it again.

I'm going to do it...finally

When I first started blogging, I said I was going to publicly recognize Web sites that place a premium on clarity. No buzz; no pretension; no coining of ugly, meaningless words. Just simple business stories told simply and precisely.

So today, I unveil the first winner of the Claritant Award.

The clearest Web site for the insurance industry is State Farm. Here's the company's mission statement:

"State Farm's mission is to help people manage the risks of everyday life, recover from the unexpected, and realize their dreams."

Beautiful. Not a buzzword to be found. No gobbledygook phrases. No bull. And the whole site is like that.

Thank you, State Farm. Whoever produced that writing deserves kudos and a raise. It sets you apart. Although many insurance companies do a nice job, including runner-up Liberty Mutual, some don't. I'm not going to tell you who they are. But you'll know them when you see them.

If you come across a Web site you think is especially clear and direct, let me know about it. It might win the Claritant. The business won't care, but it makes me feel better to recognize good writing in my own small way.

Why, Nationwide? Why?

Nationwide Insurance has fallen prey to linguistic trendiness. On my doorknob this morning I found a piece of litter placed there by my friendly neighborhood Nationwide agent. Nothing wrong with that; he's just doing his job. But this particular promotional literature trumpeted that Nationwide could save me "like $500" when I switch my car insurance.

Why would a good, solid company like Nationwide want to sound like a Valley girl? I'm like so thrilled they can like save me like $500, I'm going to like rush right over and call the agent like this minute!

This is not my first run-in with this particular silliness. Nationwide is using the same phrase on their television commercials, and it's equally annoying there. If the audience for auto insurance were teens, maybe this choice would make sense, but in general, it's adults who buy insurance, and I think it's a mistake to try to appeal to adults with teenspeak.

Now, if Nationwide has market research that tells me I'm all wet, then I'll slink away chagrined. But I doubt there's been a giant spike in their sales since they adopted one of the most irritating phrases in American English to hawk their wares. Who told them this was a good idea? And who bought it? It's not cool. Really.

This is part of what's wrong with American business

Variabilize. It's a new buzzword I just found today in an insurance executive's speech. He defined it on his slide, but that's the point. He had to define it because no one in the audience would have had the slightest idea what he meant by that idiotic word. Does it mean varying a product line? Seeking new markets? Varying the company's pricing scheme? Or something else?

In this case of this speech, it had something to do with variable cost structures. But it could mean anything. Or nothing. I'm opting for the latter. I'm sure there was a clear, concise way for the executive to make his point, but he missed the opportunity, coined a hideous new piece of gobbledygook, and no doubt, confused his audience, at least momentarily. But because the word came from a top exec, it will whiz through the company, and everyone will use it--or make up something worse, such as variabilizability or variabilization.

Wake up, business folks. No one has time for these verbal shenanigans anymore. Get back to doing what you do and telling us about it in plain English. Please.

Retire "go"

Listened in on an adolescent conversation lately? "So I go, 'Are you nuts?' And he goes, 'No, I'm not.' And then I go, 'You totally are.' And then he, like, storms out."

It grates on the ears, but it's teenspeak and they're entitled to it. However, teenspeak is unattractive in a corporate office, and unfortunately too many people inhabiting those offices today still speak as if they're on their way to home room instead of to a business meeting.

When my kids were young, they could speak any way they wanted with their friends, but inside our home, "go" as a substitute for "said" was banished. They hated it, but now that they're grown people, they sound like adults, not as if they have a case of arrested development. I think I did something right. Try it. Your children won't thank you now, but they might in ten years.

For the mothers among us

OK. I can't take it anymore, by which I mean use of the term "mother load" or, even worse, "motherload." Let's get it right. A lode is a vein of metal ore, such as gold or silver. A mother lode is a great big vein of such an ore, a vein that might feed other, smaller lodes. When they'd had a huge strike, the California gold rush miners--the'49ers--often said they'd "hit the mother lode."

People who don't know the difference, however, write about the mother load.

Folks, the only mother load I know about is a fetus. And if you hit that mother load, that mother is going to call a cop. Consider this your first warning.

Beware the almost-right word

When I can't sleep, I sometimes check out the long-form commercials we dress up with the term "infomercial." Of course, advertisers who invest in these expensive commercials try to put their products in the best possible light, and that's fine. But sometimes the people they hire to write the ads decide that the correct word for the context just isn't showy enough. They want a substitute. Something fancier or more sophisticated. That's okay, but it's best if the copywriter knows that words that are similar don't necessarily mean the same thing. Choosing the wrong word can make an ad sound stupid rather than upscale.

The best example I've seen lately comes from a product I can't even remember because I was laughing so hard at the substitute word the copywriter thought was more elegant than the correct one. The commercial said,"If you are missing the restive sleep you need, we can help."

Unfortunately, by substituting the word restive for the correct word--restful--the copywriter really screwed up and undercut the client's message. Restful, of course, means tranquil, giving rest, or a feeling of rest.

Restive, which the copywriter would have discovered had he or she bothered to look it up, means restless, impatient, or difficult to control. So if you're not awake enough already, go ahead and try the product. It's guaranteed to keep you up all night, tossing and turning and feeling out of whack.

Somehow I don't think that's what the advertiser had in mind when he hired an ad agency to tout his sleeping aid. Because the copywriter was too lazy to do the job, the client poured money down a rathole. Too bad.

This is rich

I recently wrote an article for ezinearticles.com. It talks about specific buzzwords to avoid on your Web site. One of them is enterprise, when used as a substitute for business, company, corporation, or multinational conglomerate. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with enterprise. It's just sort of a look-at-me-I'm-a-fancy-word substitute for any number of sturdy, serviceable synonyms. It's overused and then some.

The second word I castigated is integrated. Most of the "solutions" out there are not only "effective," but they're also integrated. I hope so, because any so-called solution that doesn't work with what I already have isn't worth much to me. As I mentioned in my article, integrated should go without saying. In most cases, unfortunately, it doesn't.

Flanking the ezine article that gives 20 lashes to enterprise and integrate are several ads, and the title of one that directs the reader to a company called SAS is "Enterprise Integration." How appropriate. When I looked up SAS (pronounced "sass"), I learned that, "Since 1976, SAS has delivered proven solutions to access relevant, reliable, consistent information throughout your enterprise, giving you the ability to make the right decisions and achieve sustainable performance improvement." Wow! I've never seen a clearer example of a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Now, I'm not picking on SAS, because the rest of its Web site is relatively clear. By going deeper, I can find out about its products and services and even about the benefits it provides for its "family." But this positioning statement tells me nothing. I don't know what solutions it delivers. And delivers is a buzzword in its own right. No one makes or creates or supplies anymore. Everyone delivers. I don't know what kinds of decisions the company helps me make.

And sustainable? Oh, save me. It means long-lasting or easily maintained. It's also on my buzzword alert list because absolutely everything today is, or must be seen to be, sustainable.

As I look at this kind of senseless non-communication, I'm staggered by the amount of time and the number of words it takes to say nothing. My hope is that as American business begins to reconstitute itself in an improving economy (and it will improve), it will also realize that clear communication is the key to sales and an important aid to productivity.

Top Buzzwords and Why to Avoid Them, Part II

Let's move on to some more toxic buzzwords. Today's selection is drive.

My goodness, business drives a great deal today. In 15 minutes of Web browsing in only one industry, I learned that Allstate drives sustained shareholder value, Nationwide drives down the cost of healthcare, and Farmers drives innovation. In another quarter-hour of looking at advertising sites, I found that McCann Worldgroup drives demand, while Interpublic Group's diversity "ignites the creativity that drives results." And Wilen Group is driven by its innovative Founder (their capitalization, not mine).

It seems that drive has become a true buzzword, and as buzz waxes, meaning wanes. With just a little thought, we can come up with substitutions that work and aren't burdened by the self-consciousness of corporate gobbledygook. We can strive to build shareholder value, reduce the cost of healthcare, or foster innovation. We can increase demand, give clients the results they want, and be inspired by an innovative founder. Eliminating what I call flabspeak will bring about greater understanding. And isn't that the point of communicating?

Top Buzzwords and Why to Avoid Them, Part I

I'm not against jargon. If you're writing for a company magazine or speaking to a group of like-minded folks who know your industry, jargon is a useful tool. So this post isn't about that. This post, and several to follow, will deal with specific buzzwords--business words that are overused and rarely examined for meaning.

Those who have followed these posts know that my least favorite buzzword is solution, especially when, God help us, it's used as a verb, e.g., "We'll solution marketing's ideas this afternoon." What's the point of a solution if a problem hasn't been articulated? And if you look closely at Web sites, you'll see that solution is often simply a substitute for program, product, or service--all perfectly lovely words that tell the customer something about what the company does.

Right up there with solution is the word leverage. It's almost as overused and just as nonsensical. Leverage, in the context we hear it today, comes to us from the world of finance. Investorwords.com defines it as "the degree to which one is using borrowed money." It became a very popular term during the Go-Go '80s. Everyone was buying companies with OPM (other people's money), using the assets of one company to purchase another, and dancing in the streets. Greed was good. Well, look where that got us. But I digress.

Today, business literature and Web sites leverage everything, e.g., "We leverage our core competencies, business synergies, and human capital to bring you best-of-breed service." I'll bet if you asked the perpetrator of that sentence what he or she meant by leverage, you'd be greeted by a great big silence.

As far as I can tease out from the Web sites where this word appears on page after page, companies are trying to tell you that they have a lot of different kinds of skills and they'll take full advantage of them to give you great service. Leverage has nothing to do it. It's just a buzzword that's run amok.

As I said in Talking Your Way to the Top: Business English That Works, buzzwords are not just meaningless; they can be dangerous. I believe most people use them because they think it makes them sound like the big guys. They become too lazy to dig out a thesaurus and look for an apt synonym for the phrase du jour.

But in the worst case, buzzwords can be employed to shade the truth, to make the picture look rosier than it is. By saying nothing and using a lot of words to do it, companies can sometimes hide the facts. Today, that's shortsighted. Customers are looking for the greatest possible clarity before they plunk down their hard-earned dough. They're fed up with lack of meaning. Show them you care by giving them what they want: direct, simple communication. It will pay off.