Weekend buzzwords

It's the weekend, and for those who speak in business buzzwords Monday through Friday, days off can be difficult. No boss or officemates around for you to dazzle with the latest neologism—usually one that's ugly and conveys little. To keep you from suffering the verbal equivalent of the bends, here are some words you can use for weekends. They'll keep those buzzword muscles in shape until you can get back to full-scale training on Monday.

Getting up=Offbedding
Brushing teeth=Posthalitosisizing
Blowing nose=Outsnotting
Eating=Preplumping
Exercising=Upmuscling
Bathing=Disgriming
Washing windows=Streakifying
Cutting grass=Downshearing
Trimming trees=Delimbinating
Running errands=Merchant lapping
Napping=Incouchification

Please share your own. We can build a whole new dictionary of meaningless phrases. Oh, wait, American business has done that already.

Two words to retire

Every now and then, words blast out of the lexicon and elbow their way into every article, blog, or tweet. Within weeks, their welcome is worn out because they're pushing other and perhaps more colorful words to the sidelines. With the speed of communication today, a word can become a cliche in about 48 hours.

My two candidates for the Boy-I'm-Really-Sick-of-These-Words Award are iconic and snarky. Chrysler and GM are iconic corporations that build iconic brands with iconic nameplates. I can live with that, I guess, but now I'm also reading every day about iconic TV shows. Iconic movies. Iconic foods. Iconic style. Even iconic sunglasses and lipstick shades. Not to be iconoclastic, but I bet we can stumble along with other words. Popular, perhaps, or well-known, or even beloved.

When someone recently referred to something I'd written as snarky, I thought it was relatively descriptive. But suddenly I have so much company in Snarkville that I'm thinking of moving out. Anything that's a little snide, a little sarcastic, a little cynical, is now snarky. I like having a choice. Will I be sardonic today? Or caustic? Sassy? Mocking? Maybe derisive or supercilious. But not snarky. Not anymore.

Let's all get out our thesauruses (I love that word; for me it always conjures up a really erudite dinosaur who wears thick glasses) and find some apt replacements for words that have lost their zing.

Getting closer to Back Again to Me

Yesterday, the interior of my seventh book/first novel was sent to me to download and proof. I'm finding some proofing errors, but that's fixable little stuff. The big stuff is that putting out fiction feels so much more self-revelatory than publishing nonfiction. With nonfiction, people may take issue with your facts, your conclusions, even your style, but with fiction, if they hate the book, it feels as if they are taking issue with your very own soul (so far, no one has hated it, but I'm bracing for the day). Although this book isn't autobiographical in any way, it is something that came out of my imagination and my heart--not my research or someone else's research, and somehow sending this book into the world feels a lot more scary. Also a lot more exciting. It won't be long now.

Next steps in my self-publishing saga

I've received the first copies of the cover and interior design from the design team assigned to my book, Back Again to Me, from Booksurge. On the first go-round, they nailed the cover color, the fonts, the headers, the page number placements, fleurons, and chapter design elements. They didn't nail the additional images for the cover, so I told them what I wanted--and again, the result wasn't quite there.

But today, after a little more e-mail back and forth, the images are right. Now I'll have to see how they put them all together, but I think it's going to be a relatively easy process to come to a cover we can all agree on. With most of my other books, I was engaged in cover design only peripherally. This is a different story. I've been involved in every aspect of it. I'm not a designer, but I know what I want, and I find that they're delivering it. I get more excited about this project every day.

The Claritant Award II

Today, I've selected the Claritant Award-winners for national pizza chains. If you've not followed the Claritant Award, it's one I give out for clear, effective Web writing that is free of buzzwords and corporate gobbledygook. Last month, I looked at the insurance industry and gave the award to State Farm.

Insurance has a lot of issues with buzz, which is what made State Farm a standout, but the pizza folks seem to get it. In general, they write about their products with passion and a refreshing lack of corporatespeak. Many of the stories are similar: small-town, one-store starts and then national growth.

But even in this less formal industry, there were instances of Web sites that relied on "win-win," "proactive," and the ubiquitous "legendary service," a phrase that wore out its welcome in the late 1980s.

The winners of this month's Claritant Award are Uno Chicago Grill and Godfather's Pizza. The Uno site is easy to read and has a touch of sophistication I didn't find elsewhere. Godfather's employs a different style of writing--more reliant on its brand, but not too gimmicky about it. Very clear and understandable.

It can be hard to differentiate a business in which many others tout the same attributes--fresh ingredients, tasty crust, fast delivery, online ordering, and community service. These two companies pulled it off with style and simplicity.

To self-publish ... or not

As a book doctor, I have a lot of clients who want to know whether they should self-publish. Five years ago, unless their projects were short-run family memoirs or similar micro-niche projects, I recommended against it.

Today, I've changed my tune. In five years, the world is a different place. Web content rules and social media create markets unimagined a few short years ago. A savvy author can put together an effective, targeted marketing plan that sells lots of books around the world, not just around the neighborhood. Print on demand has alleviated the inventory problem. Unless an author wants a huge supply of his or her own books, there's no longer the issue of a garage or dining room filled to the brim with unsold stock. However, attractive as the self-publishing option is, the would-be author needs to remember to:

• Write the best book you can write. There's not much, if any, editorial direction at print on demand operations. Particular companies may offer an editorial lookover, but it can be very expensive. Therefore, it becomes incumbent on you to check your own book thoroughly for inaccuracies, anachronisms (this is a huge issue in many of the books I'm asked to review), inconsistencies, holes in the plot, and half-baked research that will result in your readers' finding your book less than credible. Beyond the major issues, you must proofread your own material very carefully, looking for errors in diction, spelling, usage, mechanics, and punctuation. Of course, you can have talented friends help you proofread, and sometimes paying a book doctor is a worthwhile expense before you get to the printing stage. Book doctors often can spot major flaws and help you correct them in the early preparation of your manuscript.
• Study other books to see what you want yours to look like. The cover and interior design of a book are critical. I've seen some seriously ugly covers because the author didn't know what direction to give the designers, and I've seen hideous interiors that look as if they came straight from the author's computer. If you're going to self-publish, learn something about the benefits of serif and sans serif types, point size, headers and footers, color, screens--and converse either by phone or e-mail with the person designing your cover. If he or she hasn't read the book, help your designer to understand your purposes in writing it. Good designers know how to incorporate your ideas and concepts into appealing visuals, but even the best designer is clueless if you don't talk. And don't be shy about turning down any idea you really loathe. A client of mine recently was given two cover choices. One was possible, the other was arty, but atrocious. There were so many things wrong with it she hardly knew where to begin. She took the first option as a starting place and worked with her designer until the design was one she could live with comfortably.
• Don't go cheap, but also don't take every service you're offered. Many print on demand companies tell you they do "marketing," but when you look at the package, you see that it consists of postcards, bookmarks, a generic media release, and maybe a couple of posters. Those might be good ideas, but you can do them yourself for less money. Additionally, these ideas work better if you're planning to book yourself into traditional sales venues, such as bookstore readings. They're not so effective for online launches and other innovative types of promotion.
• Understand that if your book flops, you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't talk about how that rotten publisher didn't tour you or that your editor suggested a less-than-talented publicist. You're on your own, so you have to have a marketing plan you execute or hire someone to execute for you. Think of non-traditional ways to sell. Think of appropriate tie-ins. Is it a book about dance? How about seeing if you can place it in dance studios as well as bookstores? Think big. Think creatively.

In a month or two, I'll be releasing my first self-published book, Back Again to Me, after six titles published by traditional houses. I've had a couple of very successful pre-launch readings (people were crying, which was what I was going for when I selected the excerpts I did), and several people asked me why I'd chosen the self-publishing route. I'm doing it because I want to get this book to market, and traditional publishing is too slow. I've been given notes by agents and editors and many of them were diametrically opposed. So I decided to go with my own gut and get the job done. As the process unfolds, I'll keep you apprised. And when the launch happens, I'll let you know.

The right modifier in the right place

If you've followed this blog, you know I love misplaced modifiers. They pop up everywhere, and they're often very funny. However, it's probably best that they not appear on the Web site for a national chain of bookstores. Professionals who are out there in front of millions of potential readers need to write carefully.

Here's the little gem that's the reason for this post. I stumbled across it this morning. I won't tell you what store or what book because I'm not in the business of embarrassing people, but this is what it said:

" ... is a charming debut written by the late [author's name], who finished the novel as her health declined with the help of her niece. " The book in question is, I believe, as charming as the blurb writer says it is, but it it's unfortunate to read that the author's declining health was helped along by her niece.

Of course, we know that's not what the writer meant. Unfortunately, it's what the writer wrote. And I had to stop for a minute to sort it out.

Proofreading is more than getting the commas right. Every writer needs to read his or her own work--and then read it again.