The 10 most ridiculous things people say at funerals

This blog usually deals with writing, but occasionally veers off into the realm of the spoken word. This is one of those times.

Our family recently has suffered the loss of some close friends, and I continue to be astonished at what people dream up to say to grieving spouses and families. I know that most people simply don't know what to say, so they say what pops into their heads at the moment, and sometimes it's anything but comforting. Here are some sentences to avoid.

"You'll remarry before you know it." (Could be, but it is okay if I bury my husband before I start dating?)

"You wouldn't want her to suffer any more." (Of course not, but I wanted her cured, not dead.)

"He's better off. " (Maybe, but I'm not.)

"Don't be sad." (Don't be silly. I am sad, and I will be sad for quite a while. If you can't deal with that, go away.)

"At least it was quick." (A little too quick for me, thanks. I would have liked to say goodbye.)

"You're so strong. If anyone can get through this, you can." (Well, I guess I shouldn't ask you for help, then.)

"What will I ever do without her?" (If you find an answer to that one, let me know. I've been asking myself the same question.)

"It was God's will." (So God wants my family to suffer?)

"Everything happens for a reason." (Please explain the reason. Right now. I haven't figured it out yet.)

"God never gives us more than we can handle." (Want to bet?)

If you want to be helpful, say you're sorry for the loss of their loved one. Say you'll be praying for the family. Say you'll miss him. Say she was a wonderful friend. Say you'll take the children for the afternoon. Those always work, and they can't be misinterpreted.

Speaking Engagement Coming Up

I'll be speaking at the monthly meeting of the Central Ohio Fiction Writers on 18 April 2009 at 2-4 pm. The topic is one of my favorites: Time Management for Real Writers. I try to make it fun, with some interactive elements. I always have a good time, and the audiences seem to get something from it, too. I'm not sure where this particular meeting will be held. They're usually in area libraries, but I don't know which one yet. When I know, you'll know, and if you're a member or guest, I'm looking forward to meeting you there.

The fifth commandment

Can you say the words fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth? Of course you can. But you may stumble over the word fifth. If this word is an issue for you, you have lots of company. Newscasters, business executives, and salespeople are among those I've heard mispronounce it in just the last few weeks.

The key to pronouncing fifth correctly is to sound every letter in the word. If you don't pronounce the second f, the word comes out fith, which is wrong; if you neglect the full th sound, you get fift, which isn't right either. So just say fif, and then add th, and you'll be on the side of the angels. And you'll sound smart when you talk about that famous Beethoven symphony.

Another spineless euphemism

In my book Talking Your Way to the Top, I feature several pages of euphemisms I consider linguistically dishonest, such as calling a body bag a transfer tube or referring to dead civilians as collateral damage. I just read a new one this morning in The New York Times. It's yet one more way to refer to firing people. "We're going to rebalance our organization." So go ahead and add "rebalance" to all the other words we now use to mean getting rid of employees: adjust the workforce, dehire, deselect, reduce in force, reduce the census, downsize, outplace, rightsize, terminate, shorten the path to profitability--and don't forget involuntary employee attrition and negative employee retention.

Each of them means you're out of a job, and each one is a crock of unadulterated buzzspeak cooked up to evade the truth and avoid the responsibility. Where is George Carlin when we need him?

Sometimes a great oops just lands in your lap

Working away today when I came across this terrific sentence: "The college is in a small town, complete with tree-lined streets where students can pursue their studies." Oh, my! Isn't it dangerous what with all that pesky oncoming traffic? How can they possibly study while they're dodging all those Hondas and SUVs?

This particular example came from a very respected Web site, which just goes to show that even the best can forget to proofread for meaning as well as grammar, usage, and punctuation. Misplaced modifiers get you every time.