The perils of the English blog

So people tell me they read this blog because it helps them learn about writing and how to use English with greater precision. And then I write, as I did in the last post, about making a "statment." Which proves only that everyone, without exception, needs an editor. Sigh....

The First Amendment v. obnoxious

The Kathy Griffin statement at the Emmys has certainly stirred up a hornets' nest. Because millions of Americans have died for her right to say whatever she darn pleases, I have to defend the First Amendment here. However, was it offensive to hundreds of thousands of people? Of course. Was it offensive to me? Yes. But she's been offensive before, and in fact, that's been her stock in trade. Why should anyone be surprised? Her act has always been foul-mouthed, and sometimes she goes over the edge. In my opinion, this particular speech was way past the edge. It was tasteless, uncivil, rude, uncouth, vulgar, and loutish. And I think it probably hurt some of her other causes.

It seems disingenous to me for a bemused Kathy to ask if she's the only Catholic left with a sense of humor. She had to know that her statment would create a firestorm. She's a writer. She knows the power of words.

But will I demand that she be muzzled, thrown off the air, ridden out of town, and forced to make a public apology because she said something that was personally repugnant to me? Nope. If I find her speech offensive, I don't have to listen to it. My TV can be turned off as well as on. America is still the land of the free, and that's good for all of us. Let's not make Kathy Griffin our very own Salman Rushdie.

A common mistake

One of the books I've written is called Talking Your Way to the Top: Business English that Works (http://www.prometheusbooks.com). The book contains several sections on mispronunciations, confused word pairs, buzzwords, euphemisms, jargon, and other mistakes that keep business English from being as clear as it might be. We're butchering the language daily, and it makes us sound pretentious and silly at the same time. Here's one I've heard frequently, the last time from a banker, who really should know better:

Promissary. Come on, Ms. Banker, the word is promissory. Remember that this word means a promise to pay money. One o in promise + one o in money = two o's in promissory. Now, wasn't that easy?

New publication

And now for unabashed self-promotion. My newest book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Difficult Conversations (Alpha Books, http://us.penguingroup.com) has been released. I've written several books, but this ranks up there with my favorites. The experience of writing it was challenging and fun, but there was also the delight of working with the group of people who produced it. Publishing can be fraught with opportunities for conflict (although I've had only momentary issues with any publisher), but this group was especially professional and kind. I hope the book will be helpful and that readers enjoy it.

Check it out.

Don't be touchy

As I've mentioned, I'm a book doctor. Writers who want to publish hire me to work on their manuscripts. Some just want to make sure all the commas are in the right places. Others want me to critique the entire manuscript to one degree or another. Some want me to go line by line and rewrite, correct, fact check, point out inconsistencies, and really vet their work. Other just want me to read the whole book to see if I think it's publishable in its current form.

If you're thinking of hiring a book doctor like me, please check your ego at the door. Book doctors (at least the reputable ones) are professionals who tell you the truth. They can't ethically take your money otherwise. I mentioned a few posts back that you can't ask your mother or your best friend for an honest assessment of your work because they don't want to hurt your feelings--and they may also truly believe that you've written the Great American Novel.

The book doctor will assess plot, pacing, characterization, dialogue. He or she will highlight point of view shifts, name changes, anachronisms, and other things you might not see because you're too close to the book. In nonfiction, the book doctor looks for holes in your arguments, inaccurate conclusions, misquotations, and other factual errors. In both cases, he or she will make suggestions regarding mechanics and style.


If you're working with a good, honest book doctor who calls these things to your attention, here's what to do:

• Fix them.

Here's what not to do:

• Pout and/or cry.
• Say, "You just don't understand my work."
• Get angry.
• Become defensive and argue every minuscule point.
• Withhold payment.

The person you've hired has done what you hired him or her to do. Would you cry if your plumber said you needed a new part for your sink? (Well, maybe if it's a really expensive part.) But you understand what I'm saying. This is a professional encounter for which you are paying. Would you want your professional partner just to blow sunshine up your skirt? And then let you be embarrassed when an agent or editor says what you've turned in is substandard? If you can't take honest criticism that will greatly improve your project, don't ask for it.

A few words about the hyphen

Here are some types of sentences I'm seeing more and more:

• Let's kick-off the school year in style.
• Please drop-in to see our new offices.
• Sign-up today for the parents' group.

The problem with these sentences is that they misuse hyphens. You can hyphenate the two words if you're using them as an adjective modifying a noun or pronoun, but you shouldn't when they're being used as a verb.

For example:

• We're having a drop-in event so everyone can see the new offices. (drop-in modifies event)
• Here's the sign-up sheet for the parents' group. (sign-up modifies sheet)
• The kick-off (or kickoff) time is 2:00 (kick-off modifies time)

The world will not spin out of its orbit if you use hyphens improperly, but doing it right is the sign of a careful writer.

Conference over

The 15th annual Columbus Writers Conference, which I mentioned several posts ago, is history, and I have to send kudos to the conference's Fearless Leader, Angela Palazzolo, and her crew of dedicated volunteers (and paid staff, too), who do such a great job of moving everything along so smoothly. I've attended a few conferences in my time, and this one truly is one of the best. And this year, the best was even better. The speakers were terrific and very welcoming and helpful to those who attended.

It was a packed two days--and a bit tiring, especially for the staff members who were up all night--but their hard work really paid off. Many of the presenters commented about how much they love this conference because they are treated so well and also because Angela leaves nothing to chance.

Good show, folks!

And now a word to the attendees, who also were wonderful, because if the crowd isn't into it, the whole thing can be a little flat. This group was really into it--active, involved, asking questions, talking to each other and the presenters.

Nonetheless, just a bit of advice. While it's important to know the business of publishing--marketing and promoting, pitching and contracting, the first thing to do is to write the best work you possibly can. Read lots of books, not just about how to find an agent or a publisher or how to write a dynamite query letter (although those things are useful and necessary during your career), but also about the art and craft of writing. All that knowledge about the publishing industry won't help you much if your book isn't any good. Find your voice, try on different points of view, choose and polish your words until you really believe you can't do any more or any better. Let the rest take care of itself at the right time.

And don't believe your mother, your sister, or your friends about the quality of your work. No matter how candid they try to be, they love you, and they will not tell you the whole truth. Find a critique group made up of writers who are serious about craft or pay someone for a professional assessment. Find out what the unbiased observer has to say. Writing well is a great deal harder than it looks. It's a lifelong quest to be an outstanding writer. Take your time.