writebetternow

What's wrong with this sentence?

2009-07-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

"Fluent in four languages, her skills are impeccable."

If you've been following this blog, you know we're dealing here with a misplaced modifier. The sentence says that her skills are fluent in four languages. It's possible that the woman herself is fluent in none. Let's try, "Fluent in four languages, she also has impeccable skills."

Always put modifiers as close as possible to the words they modify. In the original sentence, the pronoun the modifier refers is missing altogether. No wonder the whole thing sounds peculiar.

A new blog

2009-07-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've added another blog and will continue to focus this one on business English and the like. The new one, http://gretchen-hirsch.blogspot.com will concern itself more with fiction and nonfiction writing and the publication process of my new book. Just thought I'd let you know.

It's all downhill from here

2009-07-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's about a month until the launch of my new book, Back Again to Me. Because some people are interested in how this is all going to come together, I'll burn some blog posting time. In the next four weeks, I have to rewrite the trailer script, set up the new Web site, have a new headshot taken, do the video interview, figure out the twitter strategy, and start setting up readings here and there. Then I notify every person in every social network to invite their friends to the online party as well. I'm so excited that the launch period (48 hours, or maybe more if it goes well) will be benefiting Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption http://www.davethomasfoundation.org. The book is about adoption, and it seemed like a perfect fit. I've also made the decision that at every reading, a portion of the proceeds will be donated to a specific charity or to the work of the organization itself. In these tough times, that seems to be a reasonable thing to do.

Onward!

Beware that modifier

2009-07-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

As we head into a long weekend, it's good just to have fun. My son-in-law shared this interesting radio commercial with me after his most recent trip to CA. I don't have it verbatim, but it asks the fascinating question, "Why is it so hard to find a plumber who will fix your sink over the phone?" My guess is that the plumber would have to come to the sink and bring tools to get the job done. It's hard to accomplish a repair like that over the phone.

Someone wrote that ad, but worse, someone paid for it. Pity.

Weekend buzzwords

2009-06-27T08:25:00.001-07:00

It's the weekend, and for those who speak in business buzzwords Monday through Friday, days off can be difficult. No boss or officemates around for you to dazzle with the latest neologism—usually one that's ugly and conveys little. To keep you from suffering the verbal equivalent of the bends, here are some words you can use for weekends. They'll keep those buzzword muscles in shape until you can get back to full-scale training on Monday.

Getting up=Offbedding
Brushing teeth=Posthalitosisizing
Blowing nose=Outsnotting
Eating=Preplumping
Exercising=Upmuscling
Bathing=Disgriming
Washing windows=Streakifying
Cutting grass=Downshearing
Trimming trees=Delimbinating
Running errands=Merchant lapping
Napping=Incouchification

Please share your own. We can build a whole new dictionary of meaningless phrases. Oh, wait, American business has done that already.

Two words to retire

2009-06-23T03:19:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, words blast out of the lexicon and elbow their way into every article, blog, or tweet. Within weeks, their welcome is worn out because they're pushing other and perhaps more colorful words to the sidelines. With the speed of communication today, a word can become a cliche in about 48 hours.

My two candidates for the Boy-I'm-Really-Sick-of-These-Words Award are iconic and snarky. Chrysler and GM are iconic corporations that build iconic brands with iconic nameplates. I can live with that, I guess, but now I'm also reading every day about iconic TV shows. Iconic movies. Iconic foods. Iconic style. Even iconic sunglasses and lipstick shades. Not to be iconoclastic, but I bet we can stumble along with other words. Popular, perhaps, or well-known, or even beloved.

When someone recently referred to something I'd written as snarky, I thought it was relatively descriptive. But suddenly I have so much company in Snarkville that I'm thinking of moving out. Anything that's a little snide, a little sarcastic, a little cynical, is now snarky. I like having a choice. Will I be sardonic today? Or caustic? Sassy? Mocking? Maybe derisive or supercilious. But not snarky. Not anymore.

Let's all get out our thesauruses (I love that word; for me it always conjures up a really erudite dinosaur who wears thick glasses) and find some apt replacements for words that have lost their zing.

Getting closer to Back Again to Me

2009-06-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the interior of my seventh book/first novel was sent to me to download and proof. I'm finding some proofing errors, but that's fixable little stuff. The big stuff is that putting out fiction feels so much more self-revelatory than publishing nonfiction. With nonfiction, people may take issue with your facts, your conclusions, even your style, but with fiction, if they hate the book, it feels as if they are taking issue with your very own soul (so far, no one has hated it, but I'm bracing for the day). Although this book isn't autobiographical in any way, it is something that came out of my imagination and my heart--not my research or someone else's research, and somehow sending this book into the world feels a lot more scary. Also a lot more exciting. It won't be long now.

Next steps in my self-publishing saga

2009-05-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I've received the first copies of the cover and interior design from the design team assigned to my book, Back Again to Me, from Booksurge. On the first go-round, they nailed the cover color, the fonts, the headers, the page number placements, fleurons, and chapter design elements. They didn't nail the additional images for the cover, so I told them what I wanted--and again, the result wasn't quite there.

But today, after a little more e-mail back and forth, the images are right. Now I'll have to see how they put them all together, but I think it's going to be a relatively easy process to come to a cover we can all agree on. With most of my other books, I was engaged in cover design only peripherally. This is a different story. I've been involved in every aspect of it. I'm not a designer, but I know what I want, and I find that they're delivering it. I get more excited about this project every day.

The Claritant Award II

2009-05-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I've selected the Claritant Award-winners for national pizza chains. If you've not followed the Claritant Award, it's one I give out for clear, effective Web writing that is free of buzzwords and corporate gobbledygook. Last month, I looked at the insurance industry and gave the award to State Farm.

Insurance has a lot of issues with buzz, which is what made State Farm a standout, but the pizza folks seem to get it. In general, they write about their products with passion and a refreshing lack of corporatespeak. Many of the stories are similar: small-town, one-store starts and then national growth.

But even in this less formal industry, there were instances of Web sites that relied on "win-win," "proactive," and the ubiquitous "legendary service," a phrase that wore out its welcome in the late 1980s.

The winners of this month's Claritant Award are Uno Chicago Grill and Godfather's Pizza. The Uno site is easy to read and has a touch of sophistication I didn't find elsewhere. Godfather's employs a different style of writing--more reliant on its brand, but not too gimmicky about it. Very clear and understandable.

It can be hard to differentiate a business in which many others tout the same attributes--fresh ingredients, tasty crust, fast delivery, online ordering, and community service. These two companies pulled it off with style and simplicity.

To self-publish ... or not

2009-05-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

As a book doctor, I have a lot of clients who want to know whether they should self-publish. Five years ago, unless their projects were short-run family memoirs or similar micro-niche projects, I recommended against it.

Today, I've changed my tune. In five years, the world is a different place. Web content rules and social media create markets unimagined a few short years ago. A savvy author can put together an effective, targeted marketing plan that sells lots of books around the world, not just around the neighborhood. Print on demand has alleviated the inventory problem. Unless an author wants a huge supply of his or her own books, there's no longer the issue of a garage or dining room filled to the brim with unsold stock. However, attractive as the self-publishing option is, the would-be author needs to remember to:

Write the best book you can write. There's not much, if any, editorial direction at print on demand operations. Particular companies may offer an editorial lookover, but it can be very expensive. Therefore, it becomes incumbent on you to check your own book thoroughly for inaccuracies, anachronisms (this is a huge issue in many of the books I'm asked to review), inconsistencies, holes in the plot, and half-baked research that will result in your readers' finding your book less than credible. Beyond the major issues, you must proofread your own material very carefully, looking for errors in diction, spelling, usage, mechanics, and punctuation. Of course, you can have talented friends help you proofread, and sometimes paying a book doctor is a worthwhile expense before you get to the printing stage. Book doctors often can spot major flaws and help you correct them in the early preparation of your manuscript.
Study other books to see what you want yours to look like. The cover and interior design of a book are critical. I've seen some seriously ugly covers because the author didn't know what direction to give the designers, and I've seen hideous interiors that look as if they came straight from the author's computer. If you're going to self-publish, learn something about the benefits of serif and sans serif types, point size, headers and footers, color, screens--and converse either by phone or e-mail with the person designing your cover. If he or she hasn't read the book, help your designer to understand your purposes in writing it. Good designers know how to incorporate your ideas and concepts into appealing visuals, but even the best designer is clueless if you don't talk. And don't be shy about turning down any idea you really loathe. A client of mine recently was given two cover choices. One was possible, the other was arty, but atrocious. There were so many things wrong with it she hardly knew where to begin. She took the first option as a starting place and worked with her designer until the design was one she could live with comfortably.
Don't go cheap, but also don't take every service you're offered. Many print on demand companies tell you they do "marketing," but when you look at the package, you see that it consists of postcards, bookmarks, a generic media release, and maybe a couple of posters. Those might be good ideas, but you can do them yourself for less money. Additionally, these ideas work better if you're planning to book yourself into traditional sales venues, such as bookstore readings. They're not so effective for online launches and other innovative types of promotion.
Understand that if your book flops, you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't talk about how that rotten publisher didn't tour you or that your editor suggested a less-than-talented publicist. You're on your own, so you have to have a marketing plan you execute or hire someone to execute for you. Think of non-traditional ways to sell. Think of appropriate tie-ins. Is it a book about dance? How about seeing if you can place it in dance studios as well as bookstores? Think big. Think creatively.

In a month or two, I'll be releasing my first self-published book, Back Again to Me, after six titles published by traditional houses. I've had a couple of very successful pre-launch readings (people were crying, which was what I was going for when I selected the excerpts I did), and several people asked me why I'd chosen the self-publishing route. I'm doing it because I want to get this book to market, and traditional publishing is too slow. I've been given notes by agents and editors and many of them were diametrically opposed. So I decided to go with my own gut and get the job done. As the process unfolds, I'll keep you apprised. And when the launch happens, I'll let you know.

The right modifier in the right place

2009-05-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

If you've followed this blog, you know I love misplaced modifiers. They pop up everywhere, and they're often very funny. However, it's probably best that they not appear on the Web site for a national chain of bookstores. Professionals who are out there in front of millions of potential readers need to write carefully.

Here's the little gem that's the reason for this post. I stumbled across it this morning. I won't tell you what store or what book because I'm not in the business of embarrassing people, but this is what it said:

" ... is a charming debut written by the late [author's name], who finished the novel as her health declined with the help of her niece. " The book in question is, I believe, as charming as the blurb writer says it is, but it it's unfortunate to read that the author's declining health was helped along by her niece.

Of course, we know that's not what the writer meant. Unfortunately, it's what the writer wrote. And I had to stop for a minute to sort it out.

Proofreading is more than getting the commas right. Every writer needs to read his or her own work--and then read it again.

I'm going to do it...finally

2009-04-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

When I first started blogging, I said I was going to publicly recognize Web sites that place a premium on clarity. No buzz; no pretension; no coining of ugly, meaningless words. Just simple business stories told simply and precisely.

So today, I unveil the first winner of the Claritant Award.

The clearest Web site for the insurance industry is State Farm. Here's the company's mission statement:

"State Farm's mission is to help people manage the risks of everyday life, recover from the unexpected, and realize their dreams."

Beautiful. Not a buzzword to be found. No gobbledygook phrases. No bull. And the whole site is like that.

Thank you, State Farm. Whoever produced that writing deserves kudos and a raise. It sets you apart. Although many insurance companies do a nice job, including runner-up Liberty Mutual, some don't. I'm not going to tell you who they are. But you'll know them when you see them.

If you come across a Web site you think is especially clear and direct, let me know about it. It might win the Claritant. The business won't care, but it makes me feel better to recognize good writing in my own small way.

Why, Nationwide? Why?

2009-04-22T17:48:00.001-07:00

Nationwide Insurance has fallen prey to linguistic trendiness. On my doorknob this morning I found a piece of litter placed there by my friendly neighborhood Nationwide agent. Nothing wrong with that; he's just doing his job. But this particular promotional literature trumpeted that Nationwide could save me "like $500" when I switch my car insurance.

Why would a good, solid company like Nationwide want to sound like a Valley girl? I'm like so thrilled they can like save me like $500, I'm going to like rush right over and call the agent like this minute!

This is not my first run-in with this particular silliness. Nationwide is using the same phrase on their television commercials, and it's equally annoying there. If the audience for auto insurance were teens, maybe this choice would make sense, but in general, it's adults who buy insurance, and I think it's a mistake to try to appeal to adults with teenspeak.

Now, if Nationwide has market research that tells me I'm all wet, then I'll slink away chagrined. But I doubt there's been a giant spike in their sales since they adopted one of the most irritating phrases in American English to hawk their wares. Who told them this was a good idea? And who bought it? It's not cool. Really.

This is part of what's wrong with American business

2009-04-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Variabilize. It's a new buzzword I just found today in an insurance executive's speech. He defined it on his slide, but that's the point. He had to define it because no one in the audience would have had the slightest idea what he meant by that idiotic word. Does it mean varying a product line? Seeking new markets? Varying the company's pricing scheme? Or something else?

In this case of this speech, it had something to do with variable cost structures. But it could mean anything. Or nothing. I'm opting for the latter. I'm sure there was a clear, concise way for the executive to make his point, but he missed the opportunity, coined a hideous new piece of gobbledygook, and no doubt, confused his audience, at least momentarily. But because the word came from a top exec, it will whiz through the company, and everyone will use it--or make up something worse, such as variabilizability or variabilization.

Wake up, business folks. No one has time for these verbal shenanigans anymore. Get back to doing what you do and telling us about it in plain English. Please.

Retire "go"

2009-03-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

Listened in on an adolescent conversation lately? "So I go, 'Are you nuts?' And he goes, 'No, I'm not.' And then I go, 'You totally are.' And then he, like, storms out."

It grates on the ears, but it's teenspeak and they're entitled to it. However, teenspeak is unattractive in a corporate office, and unfortunately too many people inhabiting those offices today still speak as if they're on their way to home room instead of to a business meeting.

When my kids were young, they could speak any way they wanted with their friends, but inside our home, "go" as a substitute for "said" was banished. They hated it, but now that they're grown people, they sound like adults, not as if they have a case of arrested development. I think I did something right. Try it. Your children won't thank you now, but they might in ten years.

For the mothers among us

2009-03-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

OK. I can't take it anymore, by which I mean use of the term "mother load" or, even worse, "motherload." Let's get it right. A lode is a vein of metal ore, such as gold or silver. A mother lode is a great big vein of such an ore, a vein that might feed other, smaller lodes. When they'd had a huge strike, the California gold rush miners--the'49ers--often said they'd "hit the mother lode."

People who don't know the difference, however, write about the mother load.

Folks, the only mother load I know about is a fetus. And if you hit that mother load, that mother is going to call a cop. Consider this your first warning.

Beware the almost-right word

2009-03-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

When I can't sleep, I sometimes check out the long-form commercials we dress up with the term "infomercial." Of course, advertisers who invest in these expensive commercials try to put their products in the best possible light, and that's fine. But sometimes the people they hire to write the ads decide that the correct word for the context just isn't showy enough. They want a substitute. Something fancier or more sophisticated. That's okay, but it's best if the copywriter knows that words that are similar don't necessarily mean the same thing. Choosing the wrong word can make an ad sound stupid rather than upscale.

The best example I've seen lately comes from a product I can't even remember because I was laughing so hard at the substitute word the copywriter thought was more elegant than the correct one. The commercial said,"If you are missing the restive sleep you need, we can help."

Unfortunately, by substituting the word restive for the correct word--restful--the copywriter really screwed up and undercut the client's message. Restful, of course, means tranquil, giving rest, or a feeling of rest.

Restive, which the copywriter would have discovered had he or she bothered to look it up, means restless, impatient, or difficult to control. So if you're not awake enough already, go ahead and try the product. It's guaranteed to keep you up all night, tossing and turning and feeling out of whack.

Somehow I don't think that's what the advertiser had in mind when he hired an ad agency to tout his sleeping aid. Because the copywriter was too lazy to do the job, the client poured money down a rathole. Too bad.

This is rich

2009-03-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote an article for ezinearticles.com. It talks about specific buzzwords to avoid on your Web site. One of them is enterprise, when used as a substitute for business, company, corporation, or multinational conglomerate. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with enterprise. It's just sort of a look-at-me-I'm-a-fancy-word substitute for any number of sturdy, serviceable synonyms. It's overused and then some.

The second word I castigated is integrated. Most of the "solutions" out there are not only "effective," but they're also integrated. I hope so, because any so-called solution that doesn't work with what I already have isn't worth much to me. As I mentioned in my article, integrated should go without saying. In most cases, unfortunately, it doesn't.

Flanking the ezine article that gives 20 lashes to enterprise and integrate are several ads, and the title of one that directs the reader to a company called SAS is "Enterprise Integration." How appropriate. When I looked up SAS (pronounced "sass"), I learned that, "Since 1976, SAS has delivered proven solutions to access relevant, reliable, consistent information throughout your enterprise, giving you the ability to make the right decisions and achieve sustainable performance improvement." Wow! I've never seen a clearer example of a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Now, I'm not picking on SAS, because the rest of its Web site is relatively clear. By going deeper, I can find out about its products and services and even about the benefits it provides for its "family." But this positioning statement tells me nothing. I don't know what solutions it delivers. And delivers is a buzzword in its own right. No one makes or creates or supplies anymore. Everyone delivers. I don't know what kinds of decisions the company helps me make.

And sustainable? Oh, save me. It means long-lasting or easily maintained. It's also on my buzzword alert list because absolutely everything today is, or must be seen to be, sustainable.

As I look at this kind of senseless non-communication, I'm staggered by the amount of time and the number of words it takes to say nothing. My hope is that as American business begins to reconstitute itself in an improving economy (and it will improve), it will also realize that clear communication is the key to sales and an important aid to productivity.

Top Buzzwords and Why to Avoid Them, Part II

2009-03-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

Let's move on to some more toxic buzzwords. Today's selection is drive.

My goodness, business drives a great deal today. In 15 minutes of Web browsing in only one industry, I learned that Allstate drives sustained shareholder value, Nationwide drives down the cost of healthcare, and Farmers drives innovation. In another quarter-hour of looking at advertising sites, I found that McCann Worldgroup drives demand, while Interpublic Group's diversity "ignites the creativity that drives results." And Wilen Group is driven by its innovative Founder (their capitalization, not mine).

It seems that drive has become a true buzzword, and as buzz waxes, meaning wanes. With just a little thought, we can come up with substitutions that work and aren't burdened by the self-consciousness of corporate gobbledygook. We can strive to build shareholder value, reduce the cost of healthcare, or foster innovation. We can increase demand, give clients the results they want, and be inspired by an innovative founder. Eliminating what I call flabspeak will bring about greater understanding. And isn't that the point of communicating?

Top Buzzwords and Why to Avoid Them, Part I

2009-03-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not against jargon. If you're writing for a company magazine or speaking to a group of like-minded folks who know your industry, jargon is a useful tool. So this post isn't about that. This post, and several to follow, will deal with specific buzzwords--business words that are overused and rarely examined for meaning.

Those who have followed these posts know that my least favorite buzzword is solution, especially when, God help us, it's used as a verb, e.g., "We'll solution marketing's ideas this afternoon." What's the point of a solution if a problem hasn't been articulated? And if you look closely at Web sites, you'll see that solution is often simply a substitute for program, product, or service--all perfectly lovely words that tell the customer something about what the company does.

Right up there with solution is the word leverage. It's almost as overused and just as nonsensical. Leverage, in the context we hear it today, comes to us from the world of finance. Investorwords.com defines it as "the degree to which one is using borrowed money." It became a very popular term during the Go-Go '80s. Everyone was buying companies with OPM (other people's money), using the assets of one company to purchase another, and dancing in the streets. Greed was good. Well, look where that got us. But I digress.

Today, business literature and Web sites leverage everything, e.g., "We leverage our core competencies, business synergies, and human capital to bring you best-of-breed service." I'll bet if you asked the perpetrator of that sentence what he or she meant by leverage, you'd be greeted by a great big silence.

As far as I can tease out from the Web sites where this word appears on page after page, companies are trying to tell you that they have a lot of different kinds of skills and they'll take full advantage of them to give you great service. Leverage has nothing to do it. It's just a buzzword that's run amok.

As I said in Talking Your Way to the Top: Business English That Works, buzzwords are not just meaningless; they can be dangerous. I believe most people use them because they think it makes them sound like the big guys. They become too lazy to dig out a thesaurus and look for an apt synonym for the phrase du jour.

But in the worst case, buzzwords can be employed to shade the truth, to make the picture look rosier than it is. By saying nothing and using a lot of words to do it, companies can sometimes hide the facts. Today, that's shortsighted. Customers are looking for the greatest possible clarity before they plunk down their hard-earned dough. They're fed up with lack of meaning. Show them you care by giving them what they want: direct, simple communication. It will pay off.

The 10 most ridiculous things people say at funerals

2009-02-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

This blog usually deals with writing, but occasionally veers off into the realm of the spoken word. This is one of those times.

Our family recently has suffered the loss of some close friends, and I continue to be astonished at what people dream up to say to grieving spouses and families. I know that most people simply don't know what to say, so they say what pops into their heads at the moment, and sometimes it's anything but comforting. Here are some sentences to avoid.

"You'll remarry before you know it." (Could be, but it is okay if I bury my husband before I start dating?)

"You wouldn't want her to suffer any more." (Of course not, but I wanted her cured, not dead.)

"He's better off. " (Maybe, but I'm not.)

"Don't be sad." (Don't be silly. I am sad, and I will be sad for quite a while. If you can't deal with that, go away.)

"At least it was quick." (A little too quick for me, thanks. I would have liked to say goodbye.)

"You're so strong. If anyone can get through this, you can." (Well, I guess I shouldn't ask you for help, then.)

"What will I ever do without her?" (If you find an answer to that one, let me know. I've been asking myself the same question.)

"It was God's will." (So God wants my family to suffer?)

"Everything happens for a reason." (Please explain the reason. Right now. I haven't figured it out yet.)

"God never gives us more than we can handle." (Want to bet?)

If you want to be helpful, say you're sorry for the loss of their loved one. Say you'll be praying for the family. Say you'll miss him. Say she was a wonderful friend. Say you'll take the children for the afternoon. Those always work, and they can't be misinterpreted.

Speaking Engagement Coming Up

2009-02-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'll be speaking at the monthly meeting of the Central Ohio Fiction Writers on 18 April 2009 at 2-4 pm. The topic is one of my favorites: Time Management for Real Writers. I try to make it fun, with some interactive elements. I always have a good time, and the audiences seem to get something from it, too. I'm not sure where this particular meeting will be held. They're usually in area libraries, but I don't know which one yet. When I know, you'll know, and if you're a member or guest, I'm looking forward to meeting you there.

The fifth commandment

2009-02-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Can you say the words fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth? Of course you can. But you may stumble over the word fifth. If this word is an issue for you, you have lots of company. Newscasters, business executives, and salespeople are among those I've heard mispronounce it in just the last few weeks.

The key to pronouncing fifth correctly is to sound every letter in the word. If you don't pronounce the second f, the word comes out fith, which is wrong; if you neglect the full th sound, you get fift, which isn't right either. So just say fif, and then add th, and you'll be on the side of the angels. And you'll sound smart when you talk about that famous Beethoven symphony.

Another spineless euphemism

2009-02-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

In my book Talking Your Way to the Top, I feature several pages of euphemisms I consider linguistically dishonest, such as calling a body bag a transfer tube or referring to dead civilians as collateral damage. I just read a new one this morning in The New York Times. It's yet one more way to refer to firing people. "We're going to rebalance our organization." So go ahead and add "rebalance" to all the other words we now use to mean getting rid of employees: adjust the workforce, dehire, deselect, reduce in force, reduce the census, downsize, outplace, rightsize, terminate, shorten the path to profitability--and don't forget involuntary employee attrition and negative employee retention.

Each of them means you're out of a job, and each one is a crock of unadulterated buzzspeak cooked up to evade the truth and avoid the responsibility. Where is George Carlin when we need him?

Sometimes a great oops just lands in your lap

2009-02-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

Working away today when I came across this terrific sentence: "The college is in a small town, complete with tree-lined streets where students can pursue their studies." Oh, my! Isn't it dangerous what with all that pesky oncoming traffic? How can they possibly study while they're dodging all those Hondas and SUVs?

This particular example came from a very respected Web site, which just goes to show that even the best can forget to proofread for meaning as well as grammar, usage, and punctuation. Misplaced modifiers get you every time.

Some grammar simplified

2009-01-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in a doctor's office, I read about some pain management techniques that the brochure said would "subside" my discomfort. Later, I heard a colleague describing how his company had "migrated" all its computers to a new operating system.

But here's a flash. Both migrate and subside are intransitive verbs. In other words, they never have a object. And in even more other words, things subside or migrate all by themselves; you can't subside or migrate them.

So the good doctor's techniques would not subside my pain, but would cause it to subside.

The second example, migrating computers from place to place, is more problematic because the verb itself, besides being intransitive, is just not a good description of the process. It might be better to say something such as, "Our computers are now running all new programs," or "We replaced our operating system with something that's more useful for our purposes."

Those examples are simpler, make more sense, and don't require tortured grammar. And, as Martha would say, those are all good things.

Getting the writing right

2009-01-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned yesterday, proofreading and fact checking are as much a part of the writing process as getting the words down in the first place. And if you don't believe that, it can cost you dearly.

Several years ago, I struggled through a stack of résumés and writing samples from people who were applying for a communications job with my small company. I wouldn't have hired a one of them because of the many careless mistakes I found throughout the documents. Remember, I'd asked for these samples because I wanted to hire someone, that is, give him or her a job. For money. If those who applied were serious about wanting the position, the work products they submitted should have been the best of which they were capable. The results made me fear for the entire state of business communication.

One mentioned her great success in pubic relations. Public is a word you should check and re-check because omission of the letter "L" is common, never caught by spell check, and always embarrassing. I was advertising for a writer, after all, not a lap dancer.

Another discussed how enthusiastic he was about the possibility of working for my company—The Stevens/St. John Company—but unfortunately he called it the John Stevens Company.

The third misspelled her own name. I'm not making this up.

Unfortunately, these aren't isolated cases. Business writing in general continues to be atrocious. Writing is a precise business. Nuance matters. Style matters. Usage and grammar matter. Ditto for facts and data. But when I see what comes from independent communications professionals, communications departments, and even executive suites, I shudder.

However, now we're in a tight labor market. There are many, many communicators on the street. A minority of them are talented, skilled, and willing to pay attention to doing it right. They will get the few jobs that are available. Those who don't want to be bothered will be pounding the pavement until the economy picks up again. If you want to be in the first group, get down to business.

5 big proofreading mistakes

2009-01-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

Whether you're writing for publication or business--or both--don't send out your first draft. Even the most seasoned writers make mistakes. I've found them on my own blog posts--and hit myself in the forehead for them. Many errors can be eliminated by careful proofreading. Here are some things to do to begin the correction process.

Read headlines and subheads. You'll be surprised at how many mistakes you might find there. I once sent out an $11K print job with a headline that had the word "Suprise" in it--in bright teal type. Of course, I meant "Surprise."
Watch for word substitutions. For example, look out for their if you mean they're, then if you mean than, or who's if you mean whose.
Root out wrong word choices, such as laying for lying, insure for ensure, or compliment for complement. All of these are commonly misused.
Check your punctuation, particularly apostrophes and plurals. It's men's room, not mens' room. It's children's clothing, not childrens'. Be careful when it comes to the word it's. It's means it is or it has (It's my party, or It's been a long time ...); its means belonging to it (Its special features include ...). There is no such word as its'. Don't even think about it.
Use your dictionary to make sure your spelling is correct. Just today, I received an e-mail with a great example of this simple rule. A restaurant posted a sign saying it was closed because the kitchen was out of meet. Oh, come on.

To get it right, you have to proofread several times. Different proofreaders have different styles, but some read once for headlines, subheads, and pull quotes only; once for street addresses, phone numbers, e-mail and web addresses, and other factual data; once more for numbers, figures, and page numbers; again for missing or repeated words or letters, and spacing errors; again for spelling; and finally for sense. Although that may seem like far too much work, proofreading goes quickly when you read for one thing at a time rather than trying to catch every kind of error during a more global look-see.

Paying attention will make your writing more polished and professional.

Closed captioning 2

2008-12-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

After the last post, I found another lovely misuse on a caption. This one occurs a great deal in speech as well, so I thought I'd bring it up. You'll find it in the confused word pairs section of my book Talking Your Way to the Top.

Desperate Housewives voiceover caption: "What she didn't know was that the Calvary was on the way."

I don't think so. Let's look at the words being confused here: Calvary and cavalry.

Calvary is the place where Jesus was crucified.

Cavalry means troops that fight on horseback or in armored vehicles.

Usually it's the cavalry that rides to the rescue, not the Calvary. That place hasn't moved in millennia.

Because I was reading the caption and not listening to the voiceover, I'm not sure what was said, but I'd put down money that the reader got it right and the caption writer was the one who didn't know the difference. But someone in production should have been watching. Oversight seems to be lacking in the caption world.

Have to love closed captioning

2008-12-29T07:10:00.001-08:00

Last night, as I was I was "reading" my TV to keep from wakening other members of the household, I saw an interesting ad caption. The product advertised was Nyquil. Three rather doltish characters were discussing another person's symptoms, which the caption indicated might be a result of his having "hoof in mouth disease."

This is a public announcement to the makers of Nyquil. If you're going to caption your ads, which you should, you also should make sure the captions are correct. There is no such disease as "hoof in mouth," unless a cloven-hooved animal has made a significant oral faux pas. Although humans may certainly have "foot in mouth" disease, animals have hoof and mouth disease.

And, by the way, hand-foot-and-mouth disease, which is common in children and not serious, is not related to hoof and mouth disease, which occurs in animals and can be fatal.

So, Nyquil folks, take your feet out of your mouths and fix the caption.

Back at the same old stand

2008-12-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

Forget that Grammar Granny business. There already is a Grammar Granny online. Who knew? I didn't until I stumbled across the Web site. So I'm staying right where I am. Online life can be so confusing.

Write it right or don't write it at all

2008-12-14T03:33:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I wrote a post on the perils of using foreign phrases you don't understand (or may understand, but don't know how to spell). I found a beaut of an example on a Web site. The blogger wrote that someone had that certain "gene sa qua."

I believe she meant "je ne sais quoi," the French phrase meaning "I don't know what," and usually understood to mean an indefinable positive quality.

The usage was correct, but the writer didn't take the time to look it up and made herself look silly.

Online dictionaries make the task of choosing the right phrase quick and easy. Be memorable, not laughable.

A change in direction

2008-07-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

As of today, I'm writing two blogs. The newer one, The Grammar Granny (http://grammargranny.blogspot.com), will deal with grammar and usage issues I've sometimes covered in this space. This blog now will be devoted to issues about writing, publishing, the state of English today, and other more philosophical topics. I'll still throw in those goofy turns of phrase I hear so often, but if it's straight grammar and usage that interest you, try The Grammar Granny.

Hope to see and hear from you in both places.

A laugh ... sort of

2008-07-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

A little vacation, a busy time at work, and before you know it, a month has gone by. So I thought I'd ease my way back into the blog world with a marvelous example of fractured English I found this morning. A local school official was talking about the caliber of students who are attending a new science and technology-related school. As he put it, "There's some evidence to suggest there that we weren't creaming off the crop." (Italics mine)

Could the good administrator mean that the school isn't attracting the cream of the crop? I think so, but it might have been best for him to say so.

Earlier this week, my eye was drawn to a communicators' Web site on which the subhead for a story mentioned a contributor's "pension for anger." I didn't know pensions were available for unattractive states of mind. I'm happy to say that the next day, the headline had been rewritten with the offending word--pension--replaced with penchant, which serves the purpose much better.

Bated v. baited

2008-06-27T04:26:00.000-07:00

If you mean you're waiting with great nervousness or trepidation for news, please write the word "bated." It's a cousin of the word "abated," which means "lessened. " So "bated breath" means that you have less breath; you're holding your breath with anxiety or tension.

In this context, if you write "baited breath," I'm going to assume you have a worm on your tongue. And wonder why.

Obviously, this word pair isn't a problem in speaking, since the two words are pronounced the same way, but in writing, getting it wrong can make you look not so smart.

Political correctness hits new heights of idiocy

2008-06-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I didn't mention one of the British towns that the Local Government Association chastised for their substitution of the phrase "idea shower" for the word "brainstorm." The members of the town council had decreed the new phrase because they felt that people with epilepsy might be offended by the term "brainstorm." Strange to say, when members of the area Epilepsy Association finally were asked for their opinions, they stated that "brainstorm" didn't bother them at all.

It's good to be sensitive, but it's always best to go to the source if you don't know what to say. That's what happened years ago when we were unsure about the word "handicapped." When associations that served that population were asked what to do, they came up with what they called "people first" language, that is "people with a disability." Years and years ago, the first association that served those with cerebral palsy said that they perferred "affected by" rather than "afflicted with" cerebral palsy.

Yesterday on campus I heard a middle school student who was attending a camp there refer in all seriousness to a young man she was working with as "vertically challenged." He was shorter than she by far, but I noticed there was no word for her "condition." Is she "vertically superior?" "Vertically enhanced"? He's short. She's tall. That happens in middle school. Kids know it. They may be uncomfortable about it, but we don't have to wrap them in cotton and speak in code about a simple fact.

Could we just use common sense? Of course, we want to call people what they want to be called, but fashions wax and wane, and not everyone prefers the same term. If you don't know, ask the person what he or she would like. Does she prefer "African American" or "black"? Does he mind if you refer to him as a "diabetic" or would he rather you say, "My friend has diabetes"?

We have become so afraid of offending one another that we often avoid meaningful discourse altogether. As I read about George Carlin's death--the man who noticed that in his lifetime "toilet paper" had become "bathroom tissue" -- I thought about what a field day he would have with "idea shower." He certainly had a wonderful ability to skewer the whole PC parade, and I hope that in his memory, we might all become more linguistically honest.

Hooray for our British cousins

2008-06-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, the Local Government Association in Great Britain told British civil servants to banish the buzzwords. One hundred words, including stakeholders, synergies, coterminosity, revenue stream, and empowerment, should be excised, the Association says.

Well, hallelujah! May I suggest that American business take a leaf from this book and immediately banish leverage, paradigm shift, planful, impactful, point in time, presenteeism, repurpose, radar screen, off-peopling, low-hanging fruit, messaging, mission critical, granularity, human capital, enterprise, drive and driver, bandwidth, actionable (except in its legal sense), at the end of the day, skill set, seamless, value proposition, value add, and many more. If we can stop wasting our time thinking up meaningless, self-conscious "business" phrases, perhaps we can back to doing actual business.

A past tense confusion

2008-06-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

Last week, I listened to the US ambassador to Zimbabwe discuss the deteriorating political scene in that country. He said that one of the embassy employees, a native of Zimbabwe, had been "drug from his car and beaten."

Of course, the most important aspect of this report was the description of lawlessness that has gripped the country. However, the ambassador needs to learn that the past tense of the word drag is dragged, not drug.

Drug is a noun meaning a medication or substance that affects the nervous system in various ways. It's never a verb. Although sometimes heard in colloquial speech, using drug this way can make you sound like a rube--and I'd expect more precise speech from one of our ambassadors. English is supposedly our national language, so our representatives should speak it well.

Scott McClellan's mistake

2008-05-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

And I don't mean being press secretary to George Bush. I mean what I heard him say this morning while being interviewed about his new book What Happened. When speaking of President Bush, McClellan mentioned the great respect he held "for he [Bush] and his advisors."

No, Scott. For is a preposition. Correct usage dictates a prepositional object: "for him and his advisors." I don't think you ever would have said you had great respect for he, so, as I just said in a blog post a few days ago (which I guess you didn't read), if you wouldn't say it in the singular, don't say it in the plural either.

Is this mistake up there with some of the doozies of the past few years? Of course not, but it's the kind of error a former White House press secretary shouldn't make.

"Lay" and "lie." Why is this so hard?

2008-05-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've resisted writing this post for a long time, but when I heard a colleague say that she had "lied in the sun," and she didn't mean she was outside telling an untruth, I figured it was time. This word pair is the one that is most often messed up, and myths abound about which is right and in what context.

I recently heard a radio call-in argument about the subject, and the host obviously had no idea which was correct. When a caller said that "things lay and people lie," the host said that was good enough for him and closed the discussion. How unfortunate that the caller was wrong. Things lie all the time. And people lay things. So let's start at the top.

Lay means "to put or place on a surface" and always requires an object--something put or placed. For example:

I'll lay these reports (object) on the credenza in your office.
When you've finished, lay your test booklets (object) in the box by the door.

If you use lay, you have to lay something. That's why, "I'm going to lay down for a while" is incorrect. There's nothing put or placed. However, "Now I lay me down to sleep" is correct because there's an object: me. However, in most cases we don't say, "I'm going to lay myself down," so lie is the correct word.

Lie means "to recline" or "to be positioned," and it doesn't take an object.

Sue has to lie down in a dark room when she has a migraine.
At this time of day, the sun lies just below the horizon.

When you want to talk about what happened in the past, the proper words are laid and lay.

I laid the sweater (object) on the chair a couple of hours ago.
Joe laid the report (object) on my credenza last week, but I can't find it.
Sue lay down until her headache went away.
The reports lay on the credenza for a month before anyone got around to reading them.

And the past participle (don't worry about the name; this isn't a grammar test) of these two words are laid and lain.

I've laid the reports (object) on your credenza.
I'd lain down for only a couple of minutes when the phone rang.

The present participle forms (the -ing form) are laying and lying.

I'm laying tile (object) this morning.
Don't call after noon. I'll be lying down. Tile work is exhausting.

The same rules apply to set/sit and raise/rise.

Set and raise always require an object. Sit and rise never have an object. For some reason, people don't have quite as much difficulty with these two as they do with lay/lie, although in my neck of the woods, I often hear, "Set down and make yourself comfortable." Here's how to use these word pairs.

Please set the plant (object) in the corner.
Please sit down.
We'll raise the flag (object) at dawn.
Please rise for the national anthem.

Because these words are misused so often, saying and writing them correctly may feel odd at first. Persevere. It's OK to be right.

A moment of shameless self-promotion

2008-05-21T04:32:00.000-07:00

A Love for Learning: Motivation and the Gifted Child has been named an Arizona Best Book (education category) by the Arizona Book Publishing Association. And it also has won an Indie Award of Excellence (which honors books from independent publishers and small presses), once again for best education book. Carol Strip Whitney and I are very pleased and gratified. This book is for parents, grandparents, teachers, principals, counselors, psychologists, pediatricians, and anyone else who deals with gifted kids, both in school and out. It's easy to read and gives a lot of information about why gifted kids lose their motivation to learn in school--and what to do about it. The title is much more intimidating than the text. Before these two honors, the book had won an iParenting Award of Merit, so it's pretty heavily stickered!

One family

2008-05-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to digress from my usual preachments about usage and better English today. It's been a terrible few days for our fellow humans around the globe. Yesterday, a friend who has family in China sent me some pictures of the devastation that accompanied the earthquake. One picture struck me. It was Chinese firefighters resting before they went back to the grim task of trying to find survivors in the wreckage. They were identical to the pictures of American firefighters during and immediately after our own tragedy on 9/11.

There was also a picture of a woman holding up a crudely printed sign bearing the names of loved ones who were missing. Again, an eerie parallel to what we saw in New York.

And yesterday, I heard the most riveting radio I've listened to in a long time. An NPR reporter in China followed a couple who were looking for their son and his grandparents. I couldn't turn it off, even though it was horrifying when they found all three bodies. The survivors' grief was overwhelming--and universal. I cried just as I did when our own people were weeping.

If there ever has been a time when I felt the unity of the human family, it was through those pictures and that audiotape. And our family in Burma is also suffering; it's just being hidden from us.

What this all has to do with what I normally write about is this. When we are cruel in our words and actions, we're hurting ourselves, too. Because these truly are our brothers and sisters. We may eat different food, observe different customs, worship differently. But if the planet and life on it are to survive, we must be civil to one another. In words and in actions.

I'm "completely" fed up

2008-05-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

My drive to and from work each day gives me such fodder for this blog. During the last 10 days, there was a cyclone in Myanmar and an earthquake in China. These are horrible tragedies, but the reporting about them is sometimes a little overwrought.

The word that causes the most trouble in the reports from those on the scene (or "on the ground," as the reporters like to say) is "completely." The village is "completely empty." I maintain that there's no degree of empty; something is empty or it still has something (or someone) in it. "Completely" isn't necessary to make the point.

Same thing with "completely destroyed." If something is destroyed, it's gone. Kaput. Finished. No need to qualify it. And "complete devastation"? Devastation paints the picture all by itself.

Simplicity carries the day and also makes the reporting more interesting and effective.

I'd like to ...

2008-05-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

A few posts ago, I mentioned how the phrase "is designed to" clogs up the flow of writing. Here's another that does the same thing: "like to, " as in, "We'd like to introduce our new product."

This phrase makes it seems as if introducing the product is but a faint hope, a wish, a desire. It's almost as if there's a corollary: "We'd like to introduce our new product (but we can't)."

If you'd like to do something, do it. Say it. Own it.

"Here's some information about the newest generation of widgets."
"Introducing our new widgets."
"The latest in widgets is here today. For you."

Isn't that stronger than, "We'd like to tell you about our new widgets"? (If only we could ... sigh.)

Business writing is full of these weak-kneed construction; they're as invasive as kudzu. To keep your verbal garden healthy, stamp out "like to" today.

The pitfalls of other languages

2008-05-09T04:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reading a very nice professional Web site. One of its pages included a feature about branding, which, of course, is a hot topic again. This particular site said, "...an attractive logo and tagline that can be slapped on to stationery and signage, and viola, we have our brand."

Viola? I believe the writer was looking for the French word, "Voila," as in "lo and behold." (There's also an accent over the "a" in this word, but I can't get symbols into this post).

If you want to spice up your business collateral, posts, advertising, or other written product with a foreign phrase, careful proofreading is essential. If you're not attentive to making sure the word is the right one--and spelled correctly--the writing can sound foolish at best and insulting or obscene at worst.

Au revoir!

The reign in Spain

2008-05-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

There's an interesting car commercial running now. It states that "Joan of Arc reigned only five years." Really? I was unaware she ever reigned. As a matter of fact, Joan's fondest desire was to put someone else on the throne. There's no doubt that Joan had a significant influence on the course of history, but she wasn't a sovereign, and she didn't reign.

Recently, I saw a similar use of this verb in the context of a college president's "reign" over the campus. I know academic regalia is cool, but it generally doesn't confer royal power. That's why college presidents are installed during an inauguration rather than a coronation.

English is a language of subtleties, and, to me, "reign" as a verb has the connotation of kingly (or queenly) rule. As an adjective, though, "reigning" often has the opposite connotation, meaning commonplace or popular, as in the "reigning" opinion or fashion of a particular time.

One more thing to remember is the spelling of reign v. rein. A "rein" is part of a bridle, used to hold a horse in check. However, I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks I've seen the phrase "to reign him/her/it in." The right word in that context is "rein" because it means to exercise control over something or someone.

And don't forget to take your umbrella when it reigns.

A pair of troublesome word pairs

2008-05-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

It seems I'm picking on professors lately. That's not my intent, but they're interviewed a lot on public radio, which I listen to during my half-hour commute to work. I heard a gaffe from one recently that surprised me; since then, though, I've heard it several more times (it's funny how these things seem to come in waves). The professor was talking about the weather and referred to "climactic" conditions.

Sorry, professor, but thanks for playing. The word he was looking for was "climatic," which means pertaining to climate. "Climactic" would, of course, mean pertaining to a climax. For example:

The environmentalists were concerned about several recent climatic changes.
John was late and missed the climactic moment of the play.

And one more. Could we please, please distinguish between "serve" and "service"?

"To serve" means to meet the needs of another, such as a customer.

"To service" means to maintain. It also can mean to bring a stud to a female for breeding.

So whenever I hear, "We service our customers, " I wonder if perhaps the company might be going a bit too far. A simple handshake is probably all that's necessary.

I guess someone thought that "serve" was too pedestrian and "service" more high-toned and elegant. But, in fact, "serve" serves just fine.

Be a better writer 1

2008-05-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

I've been observing a recent trend, and I can't imagine how it started. I'm referring to placing a comma before the verb in a simple sentence. Here are a couple of examples ripped from the headlines, as they say. Actually, they're from big websites, the authors of which should know better.

This recipe, makes 24 servings as an appetizer.
The author's background, qualifies her to write with authority about this subject.

Huh? There's no need for a comma in either of these sentences. If there were some explanatory details between the subject and verb, a comma might be necessary. For example:

This recipe, which came from my aunt's cookbook, makes 24 servings.
The author's background, which includes 15 years as a gynecologist, qualifies her to write with authority.

I think writers do this because they aren't sure what the rules for commas are. They scatter them like snow throughout a piece of writing; the result is often a mess that's hard to read and harder still to understand.

The rule is subject-verb, not subject-comma-verb.

Equally bad

2008-04-28T03:17:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio on the way to work when I heard a professor being interviewed about two writers. He stated that one wrote "equally as well" as the other.

Nope. Equally as well is redundant. What the good professor meant to say was that one wrote as well as the other or that they were equally good writers.

Like this:

Emma and Sam are equally talented violinists.
Emma is as talented as Sam.

Or:

Jack is as tall as Michael.
Jack and Michael are equally tall.

There's no need to pack the sentence with both equally and as. For clarity and precision, choose one or the other.

Word pairs still troublesome

2008-04-28T02:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received one of those "healthy living" magazines from a local hospital. It contained an article about rehydrating after exercise. The doctor is quoted as saying, "Follow a regular fluid regiment." Because the writer or the doctor (or both) chose the wrong word of a similar word pair, the sentence doesn't make sense.

A regiment is a military unit of two or more battalions. However, a regimen is a specially prescribed course, usually related to diet or exercise. And a regime is the government in power.

The embarrassment potential for misusing these words is high because many people know the difference between regimen and the other two. If you're confronted with a troublesome word pair or triplet, your best friend is a dictionary. These three words--regime, regimen, and regiment--follow each other, so it's easy to check which one to use.

It's all about design

2008-04-25T03:09:00.001-07:00

How many times in the last seven days have you heard or read in an ad, on a Web site, or in business collateral, "Our product (or service) is designed to ..."

Make your life easier
Save you time or money
Improve your relationships
Make you more attractive
Solve your problem

Well, I don't care what it was designed to do. Does it actually do it? If so, say so. "Our product..."

Cuts your cooking time in half
Reduces wrinkles 95 percent in three nanoseconds
Makes it easy for you to pay yourself first

If something is only designed to do something, it sounds as if it might fail. And if it does, that's somehow the customer's fault. "Well, it was designed to work. You must have done something wrong."

"Designed to" gives you some wiggle room, to be sure, but it also plants doubt in the customer's mind. Be bold. If your product works, stop waffling and stake your claim.

Drop these. Their time has passed.

2008-04-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed some expressions that are creeping toward serious overuse? Once they seep into the water we hear them constantly, and they begin to lose their power and punch. Look out for:

"A perfect storm." What this appears to mean is that all conditions are lined up to create an inevitable result. You'll hear the expression now related to politics (Clinton-Obama), economics (the housing downturn), the stock market, the energy market. The list grows every day. Keep an ear cocked for this one, and think twice before using it. People are getting tired of it.
"It is what it is. " Well, of course it is. How could it be anything else? But when you use this one in business, you don't sound professional. You sound like an aging hippie or a mystic--and you aren't communicating anything of value.

The next few posts

2008-04-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

Colleagues around my office have been asking me a lot of usage questions lately, so I think I'll address some of them.

Let's start with pronouns.

Which is correct?

Give the report to she and her boss.
Give the report to her and her boss.

If you answered "she and her boss," you're making a mistake that's more and more common. No matter how common, however, it's wrong. It's a big, honking mistake, and you run the risk of sounding, how shall I put it, less capable than you probably are.

Without getting into the grammar of the situation, which involves the use of objective and subjective pronouns--and that can be a yawn--let's just look at the way to solve the problem.

Would you say, "Give the papers to she"? Probably not. Then don't say "she and her boss." If you wouldn't say it in the singular, don't say it in the plural.

Let's try another.

Her and I are going skiing.
She and I are going skiing.

Same test. Would you say "Her is going skiing"? No. So don't say it just because the subject is plural. I repeat, if you wouldn't say it in the singular, don't say it in the plural.

Simple. Here's a little rhyme to help you remember:

"When plural pronouns give you doubt.

Take one away; then try it out."

You'll speak and write more confidently--today.

Too long away

2008-03-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

I've been fighting a very strong and resilient flu bug, but am now, as my mother used to say, "able to sit up and take slight nourishment." Don't forget your flu shots, folks.

So I'm back, and this morning came across a full-page ad in a national women's magazine. It was an attractive piece for a skin care "system." (We don't have products anymore; we have systems and solutions.) The ad was overwritten, flowery, full of rhetorical questions--standard stuff for skin care puffery--and bad advertising for all those reasons. However, what first caught my eye was a big, fat mistake in one line: " Then harnessed its' power in a line of of skin care products ... ."

Here comes a bold, authoritative statement. There is no such word as its'.

There is a word it's, which means it is or it has, as in, "It's been a long time since I've been to Paris," or, "It's odd she hasn't called."

There's also a word its, which is the possessive of it, as in, "The alligator opened its eyes," or, "The product's advantage is its rounded edges."

But to use the possessive and then add an apostrophe to make that possessive possessive is, to say the least, overkill. In this case, its power would have been more powerful without the extra punctuation.

On reading further, I came to the next silliness: "After using these products for 28-days ... ." There's no need for a hyphen. Just 28 days. Later in the ad, the copywriters used the hyphen correctly when they spoke of a 28-day period. In that case, 28-day is being used to modify period and calls for a hyphen. But in the fine print of the guarantee, they went back to, "... you'll see a difference in 28-days," so obviously, they don't know there's a distinction.

What's sad about this is that the client put his or her trust in a copywriter who didn't have the skills to write a basic, error-free ad. And no one on the client side knew any better, either, because someone from the company had to approve this substandard offering for display in national media.

Which tells us something about the state of English education in the United States. I can hardly wait to see the advertising in the year 2020. I think it's possible it will be even less coherent than today's--and that doesn't bode well for product sales in the future. Too bad.

Eat and die

2008-02-10T16:20:00.001-08:00

Sometimes words that sound nearly alike have quite different meanings, and you can embarrass yourself when you use them incorrectly. For example, the words gourmand and gourmet both refer to food, but one of them is laudatory and the other is insulting. A gourmet is a person who is knowledgeable about food and appreciates fine cuisine and wine. A gourmand, on the other hand, is a hog. A glutton. Someone who will plow his or her way through whatever's on the table. So it's probably not a good idea to refer to the boss as a gourmand.

Recently, I've seen considerable confusion in another word pair: interment and internment. To inter is to bury. To intern is to confine someone to a specific location, such as a camp, usually during a time of war. So an interment is a burial and an internment is a type of imprisonment.

While I suppose we could argue that someone who's dead is imprisoned in a coffin-sized space, that's a bit of a stretch. Better to get it right than to try to talk your way out of that one.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

2008-02-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

It's giggle day around the office. I just read a wonderful description of a piece of real estate that's recently been offered for sale. The house features a private garden with a paver patio and a "coy pond." Well, that's refreshing. So many ponds these days are overbearing and pushy. Koi perhaps? As in carp?

Here's another amusing example of a proofreader's being asleep at the switch. According to an article in The Washington Post, the cholesterol drug Vytorin "didn't help slow the build-up of ... plaque in a long-awaited study." I didn't know the study was plagued by plaque. I think Vytorin is supposed to clean plaque out of arteries. A spokesman for the company says, "more favorable results" would have been preferable. Yeah.

It's not always hot

2008-01-30T03:48:00.000-08:00

It's time to gang up on an overused word: hot. Cars are hot. Women, too. Men as well. Clothes. Shoes. On and on. The first billion times advertisers used the word, it might be been fun, amusing, sexy, trendy--or perhaps even hot. But now hot has become tepid, lukewarm, and irritating. If you're over 21, it's a word you might want to think about retiring--or at least mothballing until it comes around again in another 25 years.

Cool lasts forever. Hot doesn't.

Adding more

2008-01-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

I've decided to claim this blog with Technorati and see what happens. Technorati Profile

Looking forward to more fun, more words, more conversation.

No matter how you try....

2008-01-10T17:38:00.001-08:00

In the last post, I talked about "ethic" slurs. Hmmm. I wonder what those might be? Of course, it's "ethnic." I correct other people's mistakes for a living. It's just delightful to have to correct my own--in public.

However, there are Web site and blog issues more serious than typos. I read one site yesterday that went on for a bit and then began its last sentence, "Anyways." Deliver me from the final s in that one. Nonetheless, I soldiered on to the next page where the content read,"We're just chalk full of ideas." Chalk full? The only time I've even been "chalk full" was when I had to swallow barium for an x-ray. I don't recommend it.

"Chock" perhaps? As in full to the brim with ideas? That's better.

I gave a workshop today, the gist of which was that if you're not certain of the spelling or meaning of a word, for heaven's sake, look it up. Take a minute to do it right so you don't waste 10 minutes cleaning up the lousy first impression you made.

Civil Speech? Where?

2008-01-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

In the past few days, I've been roaming various comment boards on an array of different Web sites. This is not something I usually have time to do, and now I have another good reason not to waste my time with it. These boards, with the exception of those who cater to a specific set of highly articulate readers interested in issues of substance, have become places for people to spill vast amounts of bile. When people disagree here, they don't resort to reason. They resort to character assassination, name-calling of the most vile type, ethic and racial slurs that make my head spin, bullying, and all-round nastiness.

Barack Obama wins in Iowa? Let's get on the Web and call him everything from a Communist to the N-word to a Muslim extremist bent on destroying the United States. And, of course, let's be sure not to let our invective be tempered by even rudimentary fact checking. Let's just spread our lies as fast as we can.

Britney Spears has a breakdown? Let's kick her while she's strapped to a gurney in an ambulance. Let's blame her for all the world's ills. And while we're at it, let's all state the "absolute facts" about what's happened to a young woman we've never met. Beside having excessively bad judgment, what has she done to unleash such a torrent of hateful diatribes? Has she hurt any of the people who now call on her to "do us all a favor and die"?

Behind the cloak of anonymity, people feel safe to say anything they wish. What's sad, though, is that this kind of speech is now no longer cloaked. Emboldened by what they get away with online, people say whatever they want, wherever they want, to whomever they want. It's road rage with words, assault with speech, and it goes all the way down to elementary school. If you haven't been on a 5th-grade playground lately, it's an education.

I don't have the answer, but I can urge all of us to think before we use speech to harm another, judge another, or make another's life miserable.

Jargon rears its ugly head ...

2007-12-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

... but it's funny. One of my henchmen recently ran across a site that touts its new software as very useful for "backupping." Oh, come on. There's a perfectly good phrase--backing up--that has served several generations of technology users. What's the point of a word like "backupping"? It's ugly, doesn't work, and makes the perpetrator of the phrase look silly.

Another of my spies has found a perfectly lovely misplaced modifier that made me laugh:

"His last billed part was in 1956, though he appeared in an uncredited bit part after his death." I'll bet his performance was a little stiff, though.

I found another in a publication I'd been asked to work on:

"This set of instructional materials is very useful for teachers with children." But what about childless teachers? Might they find the materials helpful in their classrooms, too?

These are cute little object lessons that illuminate a bigger point. In careful speaking and writing, the details matter. Really. Read. And then read again.

Web site up

2007-12-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

My new Web site, www.midwestbookdocs. is finally up. I haven't optimized it yet, and there's lots of work to do, but it's out there, and if you want to find out what we do at Midwest Book Doctors or get in touch with us, this is the place to go for all the information.

I built the Web site with products from Go Daddy (www.godaddy.com.) The process was very easy and relatively quick. Most of my time was spent troubleshooting my own mistakes, not bugs of any kind. If you can't or won't pay a Web designer and you don't need many bells and whistles, this is a great alternative.

Recently, I've seen an uptick in mistakes in the word pair respectfully/respectively. Let's straighten it out. Respectfully means "with respect," while respectively means "in the order mentioned."

For example, "I took English 101, 102, and 103, with Professors Jones, Smith, and Brown respectively. " And, "All members of the staff should treat one another respectfully."

I'm in the process of proposing another book. I'll let you know where it leads.

A friend's success

2007-12-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

About three years ago, I met a very nice woman at a writers' conference and we fell into conversation about the novel she was working on. I read the first chapter and liked what I saw.

Now that novel has been published, and I was able to pick up a copy lately. It's called Wish Club. The author is Kim Strickland. I recommend it to you. What a treat when someone you know succeeds at such a tough thing! And Kim really has. Go buy it and find out what happens to Jill and Mara and Claudia and the other members of their book club. You'll have a fine time. I guarantee it.

The upsides of writing a book

2007-11-17T04:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my Google alert let me know that there was a nice mention of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Difficult Conversations http://us.penguingroup.com/ in a blog called 3rd Eye http://3deye.blogspot.com. It was nice to read that the writer of the blog had used the book three times in two weeks to prepare for conversations--and that it had apparently been useful.

Later in the week, two media opportunities came across my desk, and I'll be taking advantage of those. Then two speaking opportunties. I'm expecting a workshop to happen in the winter as well. All related to the Idiot's Guide.

Which points up something about a writing career--and that's the fact that it is a career. Some wonderfully successful writers don't tour, don't speak very often, and don't do many interviews. Their lives go on smoothly without their promoting themselves. A Grisham can spend his time writing, and his books will sell, but most of the rest of us have to toggle between writing and promotional activities, and if we shy away from that aspect of our careers, our books don't sell very well. That makes publishers less likely to take a chance on us again.

You can't count on the publishing house to make you a star, although some of the smaller houses do a wonderful job of promoting their authors, especially within specific niches. The subject matter expert for one of the books I wrote is beginning to do a lot of keynote speaking in her area of expertise at state and national gatherings, and most of those engagements have been dreamed up and promoted by the small independent house who published us. Another author I know who was published by a relatively smaller press has been promoted extensively by the house, and it has paid off brilliantly.

The author of one of my book doctoring projects is self-publishing, but he wants to see sales, so he has engaged a very fine publicist--and that author is going to get out there.

So should you. If you're considering becoming a writer, think of the totality of the career and make time for it. As I've said before, mastering the craft is the most important thing you can do, but don't forget the rest.

Welcome back

2007-11-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

I knew I'd been away for a while, but it's been longer than I thought. I've been working on a book concept of my own and helping another author to finish a book he's been refining for nearly four years. The finish line is in sight! And since I have a day job, too, it's been a busy time.

During the time I've not been blogging, some people have sent me a few items I thought were funny or interesting.

1) A former business partner shared a media release that indicated a company's business was growing by "leaps and bounce." It's an interesting picture, but of course, what he meant was leaps and bounds. It like the expression for "for all intensive purposes." Funny to some, annoying to others.

2) Another friend pointed out that we don't buy things on the Internet. We buy things on the World Wide Web. The Internet is the architecture and the Web uses that infrastructure for commercial purposes. A distinction worth preserving.

3) And please, please, can we drop the expression "honed in"? To hone is to sharpen, as in "honing her skills." But to close in on a target, which is what most people mean when they say honed in, should properly be "homed in." It's related to homing devices and other things that guide people toward specific locations. Have you ever heard of a "honing pigeon"? Didn't think so, but the misuse of honed in is becoming overwhelming, and it's one of those things that isn't a result of language change or stylistic preference. It's just wrong.

The perils of the English blog

2007-09-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

So people tell me they read this blog because it helps them learn about writing and how to use English with greater precision. And then I write, as I did in the last post, about making a "statment." Which proves only that everyone, without exception, needs an editor. Sigh....

The First Amendment v. obnoxious

2007-09-23T04:26:00.000-07:00

The Kathy Griffin statement at the Emmys has certainly stirred up a hornets' nest. Because millions of Americans have died for her right to say whatever she darn pleases, I have to defend the First Amendment here. However, was it offensive to hundreds of thousands of people? Of course. Was it offensive to me? Yes. But she's been offensive before, and in fact, that's been her stock in trade. Why should anyone be surprised? Her act has always been foul-mouthed, and sometimes she goes over the edge. In my opinion, this particular speech was way past the edge. It was tasteless, uncivil, rude, uncouth, vulgar, and loutish. And I think it probably hurt some of her other causes.

It seems disingenous to me for a bemused Kathy to ask if she's the only Catholic left with a sense of humor. She had to know that her statment would create a firestorm. She's a writer. She knows the power of words.

But will I demand that she be muzzled, thrown off the air, ridden out of town, and forced to make a public apology because she said something that was personally repugnant to me? Nope. If I find her speech offensive, I don't have to listen to it. My TV can be turned off as well as on. America is still the land of the free, and that's good for all of us. Let's not make Kathy Griffin our very own Salman Rushdie.

A common mistake

2007-09-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

One of the books I've written is called Talking Your Way to the Top: Business English that Works (http://www.prometheusbooks.com). The book contains several sections on mispronunciations, confused word pairs, buzzwords, euphemisms, jargon, and other mistakes that keep business English from being as clear as it might be. We're butchering the language daily, and it makes us sound pretentious and silly at the same time. Here's one I've heard frequently, the last time from a banker, who really should know better:

Promissary. Come on, Ms. Banker, the word is promissory. Remember that this word means a promise to pay money. One o in promise + one o in money = two o's in promissory. Now, wasn't that easy?

New publication

2007-09-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

And now for unabashed self-promotion. My newest book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Difficult Conversations (Alpha Books, http://us.penguingroup.com) has been released. I've written several books, but this ranks up there with my favorites. The experience of writing it was challenging and fun, but there was also the delight of working with the group of people who produced it. Publishing can be fraught with opportunities for conflict (although I've had only momentary issues with any publisher), but this group was especially professional and kind. I hope the book will be helpful and that readers enjoy it.

Check it out.

Don't be touchy

2007-09-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned, I'm a book doctor. Writers who want to publish hire me to work on their manuscripts. Some just want to make sure all the commas are in the right places. Others want me to critique the entire manuscript to one degree or another. Some want me to go line by line and rewrite, correct, fact check, point out inconsistencies, and really vet their work. Other just want me to read the whole book to see if I think it's publishable in its current form.

If you're thinking of hiring a book doctor like me, please check your ego at the door. Book doctors (at least the reputable ones) are professionals who tell you the truth. They can't ethically take your money otherwise. I mentioned a few posts back that you can't ask your mother or your best friend for an honest assessment of your work because they don't want to hurt your feelings--and they may also truly believe that you've written the Great American Novel.

The book doctor will assess plot, pacing, characterization, dialogue. He or she will highlight point of view shifts, name changes, anachronisms, and other things you might not see because you're too close to the book. In nonfiction, the book doctor looks for holes in your arguments, inaccurate conclusions, misquotations, and other factual errors. In both cases, he or she will make suggestions regarding mechanics and style.

If you're working with a good, honest book doctor who calls these things to your attention, here's what to do:

Fix them.

Here's what not to do:

Pout and/or cry.
Say, "You just don't understand my work."
Get angry.
Become defensive and argue every minuscule point.
Withhold payment.

The person you've hired has done what you hired him or her to do. Would you cry if your plumber said you needed a new part for your sink? (Well, maybe if it's a really expensive part.) But you understand what I'm saying. This is a professional encounter for which you are paying. Would you want your professional partner just to blow sunshine up your skirt? And then let you be embarrassed when an agent or editor says what you've turned in is substandard? If you can't take honest criticism that will greatly improve your project, don't ask for it.

A few words about the hyphen

2007-09-02T04:47:00.001-07:00

Here are some types of sentences I'm seeing more and more:

Let's kick-off the school year in style.
Please drop-in to see our new offices.
Sign-up today for the parents' group.

The problem with these sentences is that they misuse hyphens. You can hyphenate the two words if you're using them as an adjective modifying a noun or pronoun, but you shouldn't when they're being used as a verb.

For example:

We're having a drop-in event so everyone can see the new offices. (drop-in modifies event)
Here's the sign-up sheet for the parents' group. (sign-up modifies sheet)
The kick-off (or kickoff) time is 2:00 (kick-off modifies time)

The world will not spin out of its orbit if you use hyphens improperly, but doing it right is the sign of a careful writer.

Conference over

2007-08-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

The 15th annual Columbus Writers Conference, which I mentioned several posts ago, is history, and I have to send kudos to the conference's Fearless Leader, Angela Palazzolo, and her crew of dedicated volunteers (and paid staff, too), who do such a great job of moving everything along so smoothly. I've attended a few conferences in my time, and this one truly is one of the best. And this year, the best was even better. The speakers were terrific and very welcoming and helpful to those who attended.

It was a packed two days--and a bit tiring, especially for the staff members who were up all night--but their hard work really paid off. Many of the presenters commented about how much they love this conference because they are treated so well and also because Angela leaves nothing to chance.

Good show, folks!

And now a word to the attendees, who also were wonderful, because if the crowd isn't into it, the whole thing can be a little flat. This group was really into it--active, involved, asking questions, talking to each other and the presenters.

Nonetheless, just a bit of advice. While it's important to know the business of publishing--marketing and promoting, pitching and contracting, the first thing to do is to write the best work you possibly can. Read lots of books, not just about how to find an agent or a publisher or how to write a dynamite query letter (although those things are useful and necessary during your career), but also about the art and craft of writing. All that knowledge about the publishing industry won't help you much if your book isn't any good. Find your voice, try on different points of view, choose and polish your words until you really believe you can't do any more or any better. Let the rest take care of itself at the right time.

And don't believe your mother, your sister, or your friends about the quality of your work. No matter how candid they try to be, they love you, and they will not tell you the whole truth. Find a critique group made up of writers who are serious about craft or pay someone for a professional assessment. Find out what the unbiased observer has to say. Writing well is a great deal harder than it looks. It's a lifelong quest to be an outstanding writer. Take your time.

Why fiction?

2007-08-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I talked about writing what you know. In a similar vein, it helps to write how you know. In the past year, I've had several clients who are terrific experts in their fields, and their book ideas might sell as nonfiction. However, they've made the decision to use those ideas as the basis for novels.

This decision demands that they know how to construct a plot, develop believable characters, write dialogue, and master myriad other large and small details. It's hard, exacting work to craft a novel.

Although nonfiction writing, such as biography, also must be compelling, fiction has to be even more finely drawn, since the reader has no background knowledge of the characters or the events that unfold in the novel.

I suppose there are natural talents out there who can, with no training except years of reading, sit down and crank out a wonderful novel. I have to believe those people are rare. Writing is like any other art; even the greatest painters and musicians studied with someone before venturing out to find a commission or perform their first concert. Or they spent a lot of time with other artists and musicians, working together and honing their skills.

People will accept the idea that painting and music are talents that must be nurtured; they are somewhat less willing to accept that same idea about writing fiction. After all, didn't we all struggle through high school English? Can't we all write? No. At least not at the level required for professionalism. So, if you're serious about wanting a career in fiction, you have to read, read, read, and study with those who have mastered the art. Go to conferences, take classes, join a good critique group. Learn again. And again.

What You Know

2007-08-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

A fair number of manuscripts cross my desk every year, and frankly, most of them have serious flaws. Not necessarily unfixable, but things that will take a good deal of work to correct. The most common problem I see is manuscripts in which the leading character works in a profession the writer knows nothing about. It rings false and readers know it.

Recently, I looked over a manuscript in which the main character was a television reporter. The writer had never been part of local news; in fact, he'd never even visited a newsroom. His next-door-neighbor had some passing acquaintance with the field, and she read the author's manuscript. However, because the neighbor was not an expert either, she missed some glaring errors.

In another case, the main character was an opera singer. The author knew virtually nothing about opera. She used a great many "opera" terms, but they were words I'd certainly never heard. I looked them up and couldn't find them. When I asked the author about them, she confessed that she'd made them up. Can't do that--unless you're writing a fantasy and the opera singer lives in another galaxy. But then you have a whole new series of issues.

Of course, no author starts out as an expert in every field, but if you're not conversant with a profession, either recast your character or become an expert. There are many opera singers, reporters, forensics experts, police officers, ballerinas, dog catchers, doctors, potters, politcal operatives, and teachers who would be happy to share what they know about their professions. Read everything you can, too. Have fun increasing your knowledge. That's one of the joys of writing. You get to learn as you go. What could be better than that?

Take a chance

2007-08-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

The Columbus Writer's Conference http://www.creativevista.com comes around near the end of the month. I'm always pretty active in the conference and enjoy other conferences as well, both as a participant and sometimes as a speaker. If you have designs on a writing career, an excellent conference, such as this one, is a good place to start. You'll meet other writers, hear workshops on craft and business, and have the opportunity to meet agents and editors. My agent and I met at a conference nearly 15 years ago, but didn't begin our author-agent relationship until 2003. Some things take time to develop.

While you may not place your book at a conference (although some people have), you make valuable contacts and begin to build a network not only of people who can help you, but also of people who have interests similar to yours. Writing can be a solitary life, and it helps to get out and rub elbows with those who are like you. These are the people who understand writer's block and rejection, and they can sympathize like no one else. And when you sell something, these are the people who are happiest for you.

If you're a neophyte writer, don't be afraid of coming to a conference for fear that everyone there is some well-known published author. Some attendees have published a lot, some have self-published, some have never published at all. It doesn't matter. You can ask any question you want to without looking foolish. People aren't there to judge you or your work. This is especially true of the professionals. They've heard every pitch, seen every kind of author, and read every kind of book, but they are usually very courteous and interested in what you have to say. Of course, they are honest about whatever your project is, but that's their function. If they aren't terribly encouraging, don't take it personally or get defensive. Use what they say to improve your book.

In short, go. You'll learn something and you'll probably have a great time.

New buzz

2007-08-02T04:41:00.001-07:00

It seems the most recent buzz word is on the ground. I think this usage began with troops who were on the ground in specific war zones, and that makes some sense. But now everyone's on the ground, from rescue workers to school teachers.

I also predict a rise in the use of nascent. There are many things in this world that are nascent, to be sure, but the word hasn't been used much. I think it's coming on, though, and probably will enter overuse status within a few months.

I've also seen a peculiar blip in a redundancy: share in common. I seem to be hearing and reading it often lately, and it grates. We either have something in common or we share an interest in something, but we don't need to share it in common.

I find the rise and fall of words very interesting and would love it if you'd share (but not in common) the buzzwords you see looming on the horizon.

The first rule of being a writer

2007-07-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

I sometimes speak at writers' conferences--something I really enjoy doing--and one of the topics I often cover is time management for writers. My first book was about time management, and I've always felt it was an important topic because ultimately time management is really life management. It's not about color-coding your files; it's about deciding what's important, making a commitment to it, and dumping the low-value tasks that don't move you toward your goal.

For would-be writers, I think the first rule is to identify yourself as a writer. When you meet someone new and he or she asks you what you do, answer boldly, "I'm a writer." If you say, "I'm an office manager (or a salesperson or whatever), but I dabble in writing a little," you'll always put the other identity first. Something will always come up to get in the way of your writing. Get your writing identity up front. "I'm a writer who masquerades as an office manager." If writing is your dream, claim it and create the reality.

And don't be abashed by the next question, which is "Published?" If you haven't been, your answer should be, "Not yet."

And then go out and learn as much as you can, read as much as you can, and write as much as you can. You'll never see a byline or your name on a book if you don't try, and you won't try if you don't think of yourself as a writer first.

So You Want to Write a Book

2007-07-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I heard a Very Famous Author, one of my favorites, speak at a conference. She said she was once at a Very Flossy Party, where she struck up a conversation with a Very Important Brain Surgeon. When he asked what she did, she said she was an author (by then, she'd written a bunch of best sellers). His response was, "Oh, I'm going to write a book someday, too, when I have time." She fired back, "I'm going to take up brain surgery when I have time."

I applauded her remark because I've heard the same thing so often. There is apparently a belief out there that anyone can write a book if he or she has time to do it. Well, the truth is that most people who write books don't have the time to do it (until they, too, become Very Famous Authors and don't have to clean their own houses anymore). They write for a couple of hours a day while they also take care of their children and go to their day jobs. They get up at ungodly times to write before they begin the morning commute. They write in their cars while they wait for the kids at lacrosse practice or scribble a few lines at the laundromat. They write during their lunch hours. They write on envelopes or in little notebooks.

Writing isn't a matter of having time and a perfect writing environment; it's a matter of having something to say and the discipline to get it down in whatever bits and pieces of time you have. And then spending months rewriting and polishing. And then having your book rejected. It's work, not a hobby. I often tell clients that writing a book is like digging a ditch with a teaspoon. It's exhausting, frustrating, and sometimes exhilarating.

It also takes a modicum of talent and the willingness to get out there and meet agents and editors and other writers and to learn something about both the art and business of publishing.

So when you meet a writer at a cocktail party, remember this: He probably can't do your job--but you probably can't do his either.

Can You Read This?

2007-07-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm still at it--trying to find corporate Web sites that speak English instead of flabspeak, that curious combination of buzzwords and euphemisms that confuses readers who might want to to know what it is the company actually does. Such sites are hard to find, and in my journeys I ran across one that I believe demonstrates exactly what a site shouldn't do. I won't tell you the name of the company, but here are a few gems from their attempt to communicate.

The company employs a client-proximity method, which I believe means they have a lot of offices in various countries, which makes it easy for them to be in touch with their clients.

It has a client-facing approach, which seems to mean that the company puts its clients' interests first. This word must be the replacement for client-centric, but it's not an improvement.

Ah, now we've hit the mother lode. The company is going to carry out some acquisitions that will ensure accretiveness to net profits. Now, let's see. Accretive means to grow by accretion, but if even Google can't find a definition for accretiveness, I have to believe it's a made-up boardroom word someone thought was as impressive as all get out. What it appears to mean is that the acquisitions will add small amounts to the bottom line, which I assume will make it healthier, but that's anybody's guess. This word is nothing but a waste of air, and plowing through all this verbiage is just too much work.

Another definition for accretion is an accumulation of dust and gas into larger bodies, such as planets. An accumulation of dust and gas? In this case, you bet.

Unlikely tutors

2007-07-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

If you're a writer who consistently struggles to find the apt comparison or the surprising, yet just-right phrase, you need to hang out with kids more often. Children, who are free of the censor that sometimes plagues adult writers, can toss off just what you're looking for without even thinking about it.

I'm lucky enough to have grandchildren, so I have a built-in writers' workshop. And when the kids talk, I listen, and I often write it down. Here are a few I especially like.

Several years ago, I was driving the oldest grandboy, then 3, home from Vacation Bible School. In his hands he held two polished rocks that he rubbed together until they squeaked. "Listen," he said. "That's how frogs sound when they laugh." First of all, I was unaware of frog humor, and second, I'd never considered the sound they might make as they giggled among the lily pads. But he knew, and I was so glad he shared his knowledge with me.

Later that week, this same child told me that when Jesus died, he was buried in a petunia in a garden. "I think you mean in a tomb," I said. He looked at me earnestly and said, "Oh, no, Gigi, it was a petunia. That's what grows in gardens." I have to say, the image appeals to me.

My youngest grandson, who's 4, now has the title of resident wordsmith. Over the years, he's told me that:

Crescent-shaped ice cubes are "moons of water."
A tiny spit bubble is a "mouth tear."
A mustache is, naturally, "a nose beard."
Kix are "Cheerios with no holes."

And one of my particular favorites, when describing his mommy's eyebrows; "They're just like rainbows except they're black and they don't have any colors."

They see it. They say it. And sometimes it's brilliant. Grown-up writers could take a lesson.

The Doctor is In

2007-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

People often ask me what a book doctor does. It can be a confusing term, since some "book doctors" repair or rebind books, and I wouldn't know where to start to do that. My line of work is to critique manuscripts that writers want to get ready for representation or publication. The hardest part of the job isn't the mechanics of pulling a manuscript apart; it's hurting writers' feelings.

One of my favorite books is Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird; in it, she warns writers to stay away from those who are cruel in their assessment of someone's work. And she's right. So I try not to be cruel, and I try to find what's good in any manuscript I receive. I remind writers that my opinion is just one of many. I'm only an editor; I leave all-knowingness to God. All critique is subjective. What I don't like another editor might love. I try to give an honest, kind reaction to the book's various strengths and weaknesses as I see them. Since I've had plenty of my own work rejected, I know how it feels. Pouring cold water on someone's hopes is not what I want to do.

Still, I'm sometimes surprised at what people will send for critique: Books that are full of grammatical errors, misspellings, typos, and other types of carelessness that tell me perhaps I care more about the book than the author does. So here's a little tip. If you're going to send a manuscript to anyone--editor, agent, or publisher--you be kind, too. Make sure that what you send is the best you can possibly make it at the time. That means taking care of the details as well as the big picture. It's hard for a reader to see that bigger picture when he or she is being bogged down by slipshod execution. Give it your best shot. And I will, too.

Buzz costs time and money

2007-07-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the annual reports of public companies these days, and I'm thinking of creating an award for corporate communicators who can write an entire business document that doesn't contain the word leverage (as a verb) or solution (where no problem has been identified)--or the truly awful solution as a verb: "We'll solution that issue after lunch."

If American business isn't competing as well as it once was, one of the reasons may be that American business can't communicate as well as it once did. Oh, we're wired, all right, and we're in constant contact, but that means only that words are flowing. It doesn't mean we're communicating. We're so busy working the latest buzzwords into our conversation, we've forgotten that words are supposed to move ideas from one brain to another, not waste our brain power as we try to decipher what our colleague just said.

My new favorite is landed on, which appears to mean something we decided or agreed to: "This is the design we landed on."

Yes, I know language changes; ginormous has just been added to the lexicon, after all, but too often business buzzwords are nothing more than attempts to create an in-group--a linguistic cool kids' table. But if we're to compete successfully, we need to leave adolescence behind and work together. Dropping the buzzwords would be a good first step.